to children in their formative years. Instilling in them the notion that marriage is a life-long commitment can be one of the best foundations for a happy and healthy marriage later in life. This first step on what values to look for could be visualized as a primer coat of paint on which would fall some of their initial experiences and encounters of discovery with the opposite sex. Rather than consider the choice of a life partner as a chance happening, based on sudden emotions or fleeting fancies, we gave them the right perspective that this decision could probably be the most important decision in their adult life. Something that would impact them for the rest of their lives, and posterity too! While it is indeed a blessing to have the support and guidance of parents in choosing a life partner, I believe this would ideally be a decision taken by both the boy and the girl personally. It should never be a parental decision that is imposed on the children. After all, parents will pass on at some point, and it is the couple that has to live out their lives together in love and harmony. This approach also precludes the possibility that marriage partners will blame their parents when things get rough in their own marriage relationship, which is often an easy escape mechanism to avoid taking personal responsibility for improving their relationship. In what way does parenting evolve even further when they get married and have kids? While it is a normal matter for most parents to be proud and possessive of their children, it is crucial for parents to understand that they need to step away from the center of their child’s marriage relationship. The ‘leave and cleave’ principle is the greatest model I have learnt of in how to avoid pitfalls in this area. As adult children get married and form a nuclear family, all involved need to understand a major change in the family relationships. While the parents and all other family members continue to be greatly loved and respected as always, the son’s primary focus and responsibility has to be to his wife and the family he now raises. This new focus demands that a son ‘leaves’ his parents to ‘cleave’ to his wife in the new equation before him. This ‘leaving’ needs to be a conscious, rational decision that involves every aspect of his emotional, physical, mental and spiritual life. Equally vital for the wife to follow this guideline for a happy and healthy marriage. To help their children entering into the new marriage relationship, it is of paramount importance that both sets of parents also understand this wonderful ‘leave and cleave’ principle to ensure marriage success. There are far too many marriages that have been rocked by either set of parents being too closely involved in the marriages of their children, due to ignorance or willful neglect of this fundamental need. I would like to point out in particular that mothers and sons need to take special precaution to see that this principle takes effect, with no hard feelings on either side. Doting mothers are more prone to try and keep as connected to their married sons, but there needs to be a conscious effort to ‘release’ the sons to the new partner in his marriage relationship. Trying to supervise or ‘watch over’ the new couple is not a healthy practice, often leading to greater tensions building up, sometimes causing the new marriage relationship to flounder. UPAHAAR 2021 উপহার ১৪২৮ 38
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