Whenever we sensed a departure from core values that we wanted to build into our children’s lives, we did set up clear expectations that served as boundaries within which the children needed to function. In matters of integrity, respect for others, utilizing opportunities, life-long learning or excellence in behavior, we used life examples before us, even as we tried our best to model these core values to the children ourselves. Such boundaries fail to have much effect if the parents themselves do not display true adherence to core values. A growing child easily understands ‘double speak’ when we say something and do another. The next step in how things would play out seemed to be crucial: holding firmly to these expectations, so that the children understood very clearly that we meant what we said. Evolution of parenting style while going from the teen years to adulthood Besides recognizing that each child was different from the parents and each other, we encouraged some discussions about these differences during their teenage years. While we were probably strongly opinionated with our own views early on, we learned to be more accommodating in listening to them, and trying to appreciate their own positions and viewpoints as they grew out of their teenage years. Rather than be the ‘sage on the stage’ lecturing to them at every opportunity, I sensed a greater appreciation from both of them as I changed more to being a ‘coach’ on their playing field. Handling changing equations as they stepped into adulthood There was a natural tendency to keep persisting in reminding the children of things we used to direct them towards during their childhood, such as the kind of clothes they need to wear, their food habits, or how to protect themselves in changing weather seasons and the like. Once I realized that they were not in tune with our ‘music’, I slowly but surely learned that our repetitions were in vain. Instead, I saw that third party credibility worked much better in the late teenage years, when I could redirect their attention to a similar statement or viewpoint from a celebrity of any other person of repute (or standing ) in their eyes. Much as they had learned a lot of things during their childhood, it was time for us as parents to come to the realization that our grown children did not need us in the same manner, as they did earlier. Another interesting situation that evolved was their greater competence in some areas like technology, where I had to rely on their skills to get past my struggles with newer technologies like a laptop, audiovisual equipment like cameras, projectors, and other modern gadgets. This was indeed a reversal of roles, where I happily accepted being the learner! So, while there are still many areas where the parents experience and wisdom do provide value for the grown children,it is a win-win situation and vital to remember that learning is a two-way street in the context of teenage children growing up to adulthood. Once we accept this as a fact of life, it can be a source of great joy and pride to observe at close quarters the flowering abilities of our once little children! Parents’ role in their choice of a life partner? Open discussion early on about what one should be looking for in the choice of a life partner can be helpful UPAHAAR 2021 উপহার ১৪২৮ 37
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