The Evolution of Parenting Dr. Leslie Mathew Our greatest learnings about our children Early on, we were able to recognize that our son and daughter were very different and unique individuals. Besides variations that could be ascribed to gender, each of them had uniquely distinct personalities – both very lovable. Jeff was the quieter, more shy individual during childhood (much like his father’s formative years) while Anne was the more lively, ever cheerful child, most often the spark in the room (probably resembling my wife’s childhood years). We always tried our level best not to compare the strengths or weaknesses of either child, or with other children, realizing that their personalities were God-given, and it was our role to support the development and maturing of their inner selves. It has been a great joy and pleasure to watch their personalities evolve and grow into being wonderful, responsible adults. Our major challenges in their teen years Conformity to our expectations was the goal for most of their pre-teen years, but we realized soon that it could not easily happen on all fronts. We found this especially challenging during their teenage years. One lesson learned was not to shut them down, or be critical of them, whenever differences over tastes, styles, viewpoints and more were aired. Differences would exist, and they could be discussed, sometimes even celebrated, if I was able to let go of my need to impose my views upon the children, and often extending that to my wife too!! We soon learned to keep communication lines open at all times, without causing a distance to develop, even after a heated or passionate discussion which ended in disagreement. However, when it came to core values that we shared and wanted to develop in the children, we laid down clear expectations, something that is a vital ingredient in their growth and development. Setting reasonable boundaries for them in relation to simple matters like study time or play time, interaction with friends and relatives, or more complex behavioral issues were important to us. For example, it was very clear in our home that the children were also expected to be part of the conversation when friends or relatives visited. Unless specifically requested to do so, the children were not expected to stay aloof in their rooms doing their ‘own thing’ during these visits, even when they may have been much happier to do so. If they had to be studying for an exam the next morning, they would still need to meet the visitors before we excused them, after a reasonable interaction. UPAHAAR 2021 উপহার ১৪২৮ 36
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