AFTER ABANDONING ATTEMPTS AT LIVING A NORMAL LIFE, I CONSIDER EMBRACING MY ECCENTRICITY BY BRIAN POLK ART BY JASON WHITE MY CONTRARIAN FRIEND WHO SPENDS LESS THAN 1 PERCENT OF HIS LIFE OUTSIDE STILL HAS STRONG OPINIONS ABOUT THE WEATHER My friend, who in the interest of anonymity we’ll call Dipshit McWiener, never leaves his house, car, or place of work — all three of which are air-conditioned. Yet, he still somehow has combative, longwinded opinions about the warm weather — all of which he’s willing to share, completely unprompted. “I hate summer so much,” he says randomly from his indoor workplace that’s so thoroughly temperature controlled, he has to wear sweatshirts just to keep warm. “I mean, what kind of idiot likes the hot sun anyway? All these morons with their patio drinks and shorts. I hope the sun gives them cancer.” Luckily No. 128 for Mr. McWiener, most everyone forgets about his controversial hot takes on the warmer months as soon as December hits, because that’s when he’ll also have you know that he can’t stand snow, ice, skiers, or Christmas carols. IT ONLY RECENTLY OCCURRED TO ME THAT SOME PEOPLE DON’T HAVE A FAVORITE WHAM! SONG A few weeks back, I was at a wedding, hanging out with the other cool olds (who still drink and periodically sneak out back for a doobie). And one of the youngsters (read: 29-year-old) came with us to smoke some weed. Of course at some point, us elders had the all-important conversation
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