that everyone has at weddings: naming our favorite Wham! songs. As we went around the circle, most of the standard hits came up: “Freedom,” “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” and “Everything She Wants.” Some asshole (starved for attention, no doubt) even said, “Wham Rap!” But when it was the 29-year-old’s turn, he didn’t have a favorite Wham! song at all. In fact, he didn’t even know the group existed. When someone said, “It was George Michael’s band,” he still had no clue what we were talking about. And that’s when I realized how close to death I truly am. A LOT OF PEOPLE I WORK WITH ARE HUNGOVER ALL THE TIME — AND THEY DON’T EVEN DRINK Every day when I come to work, the majority of my coworkers complain about how tired they are, how they have headaches, and how everything is too damned bright. It would be one thing if this grumble fest happened quarterly, monthly, or even weekly. But it’s a daily event. It reminds me of my 20s when I would go out drinking every night and come into work hungover as a matter of course. But at least I was out there having fun. These people have a nightly bedtime of 9:15 and haven’t consumed a drop of booze in several years. So whenever they moan about the terrible hangovers they get as a result of their boring-ass, completely sober lifestyles, I can only think, “Jesus, it’s a damn good thing you people don’t drink.” I WOULD LOVE TO, BUT I CAN’T AFFORD IT If I had a dime for every time I uttered this phrase, I would actually be able to afford it. DAMN IT, ONE OF THE PEOPLE I TOLD TO REACH OUT IF HE EVER NEEDED HELP JUST REACHED OUT So there’s this guy I’ve met a few times at our bands’ shows that I’m e-friends with on social media. And he kept posting all these cryptic messages about the various difficulties he had been experiencing. So I told him he could reach out if he ever needed help — with the understanding that the gesture was completely devoid of validity and was only offered because I like to think of myself as a good person. But apparently this was only a one-way understanding, because he DMed me and asked if I was free to get coffee or something. And of course I was available, but did I want to spend my free time listening to someone I hardly knew droning on and on about his endless problems? I did not. But I kind of have to do it now, since the offer was in writing. I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone called me to task after making tens of thousands of empty proposals throughout my life. Well done, my casual acquaintance. Well done. ON THE PRECIPICE OF A NEW ADVENTURE, MY PARTNER IN CRIME TOLD ME, “WHATEVER HAPPENS, I GOT YOUR BACK,” WHICH IS A LOUSY METAPHOR, SINCE MY BACK HAS CAUSED ME NOTHING BUT PAIN THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS I’ve experienced a lot of back pain since the spring of 2022, when I injured myself headbanging at a They Might Be Giants show. So when my co-conspirator reassured me that he “got [my] back,” I cringed. Then he asked me what was wrong, and I explained my shitty pun/dad joke. And that was when he cringed. 5
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