4K HEAVEN, POD I FORGOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY, SO I CAME UP WITH SOMETHING ELSE By brian polk THE LAST TIME I CUT MY FINGER, MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS TO USE THE BLOOD TO WRITE A NOTE THAT JUST SAID, “YOU!” AND SAVE IT IN A FOLDER IN CASE I NEEDED TO SEND IT TO SOMEONE AT SOME POINT My second thought was, What the fuck is wrong with me? I WONDER IF ANY COUPLES HAVE BROKEN UP DUE TO IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES IN TIKTOK VIDEO PREFERENCES I think everyone has had the experience of a friend or coworker insisting you watch a social media video so you can laugh in their presence. They hold their phone up to your eyeballs and await your response with that goofy look of anticipation on their face. But all you can muster is a halfhearted smile as you say something like, “Yep, that sure is funny.” Now imagine if your significant other was always making you watch unfunny videos in this manner. At some point you would have to sit them down and say, “Look honey (or sweet boobs, sugar balls, nonbinary love bestie or whatever you call your indulging love bun), I love you and all, but there’s simply no way I can stay together with someone who finds this shit funny.” It’s kind of like that time I broke up with a No. 116 lover because they didn’t think Naked Gun was in any way humorous. (How could I be with someone like that?) I bet these things happen more often than we might assume. AS I USED THE HOSE TO CLEAN THE VOMIT OFF OF MY FRIEND’S DRIVEWAY THE LAST TIME I WAS PARTYING IN LA, I MARVELED AT HOW FAR THAT WATER HAD TO TRAVEL JUST TO CARRY MY STOMACH REJECTS AWAY FROM THE HOUSE If it was Colorado River water, it may have flowed over 1,400 miles. That’s a hell of a trip to wash a stomach full of vodka and curly fries off of an LA-area driveway. I wished it well as it transported my tummy chunks into the Pacific. IT’S WEIRD HOW MY FRIENDS WITH KIDS DON’T WANT CHILD-REARING ADVICE FROM SOMEONE LIKE ME WHO SHUDDERS AT THE VERY THOUGHT OF HAVING MY OWN KIDS Considering I have zero experience with raising kids — and especially since I don’t even like children very much — I guess it’s not so surprising.
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