Still, I like to think the parenting-related tidbits I’ve gleaned from advice columns and podcasts that I randomly proclaim when their kids are acting up would help my friends in their child-rearing journeys. Alas, they do not. When I tell them my thoughts on the matter, they say shit like, “Do you want my advice on how to play the drums?” Alas, I do not. Sometimes people should really stay in their lane, you know? THE INDOOR PEOPLE DON’T GET TO HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT THE WEATHER I know a lot of people who spend their entire lives in temperature controlled environments. From offices to cars, they never actually experience anything related to the outdoors — unless they’re walking from one comfortable setting to the next. And they have the audacity to complain about the weather all the time. How does that make sense? They’ve spent maybe one percent of their cumulative lives outside, and as such, they don’t even have a large enough sample size to make an informed judgment. That would be like me having an opinion about sports or video games. I don’t know if I’ve ever said this, but sometimes people should really stay in their lane, you know? ACTUALLY, COME TO THINK OF IT, I DO HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT SPORTS AND VIDEO GAMES I am against them. AW SHIT, NOW I KNOW WHY INDOOR PEOPLE HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT THE WEATHER They’re against it. I suppose they would go outside if there wasn’t always a bunch of fucking weather afoot. I guess I need to issue an apology to the indoor people that I only very recently realized I should not be maligning. Sorry indoor dorks! I get it now. DAMN IT, I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T REFER TO THEM AS “DORKS” EITHER They’re weather-intolerant. And the way climate change is rapidly affecting every aspect of daily life these days, we’re all going to be weather intolerant soon. So, I suppose they may have the last laugh after all. Then again, they’d be kind of jerky for laughing at the rest who are going to be having a bad time due to a hostile outside environment. And that isn’t cool. Who do these indoor folks think they are anyway? I’M SORRY, I DIDN’T MEAN THAT. IT’S JUST THAT SOMETIMES WHEN I THINK ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING, I GET ALL DISTRAUGHT AND ANXIOUS AND THEN I TAKE IT OUT ON WHOMEVER I’M TALKING TO, AND YOU HAPPENED TO BE THERE. SO IT’S REALLY MY PROBLEM, NOT YOURS. AND AGAIN, I APOLOGIZE FOR MY BEHAVIOR. I REALLY HOPE YOU CAN FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE ME. Okay, that’s it. I’m done with this. I need to stop insulting the dregs of society so I don’t have to keep apologizing. OH JEEZ, “DREGS” ISN’T NICE EITHER, IS IT? I’m going to go ahead and finish this month’s column the same way I started it, by asking myself, What the fuck is wrong with me?
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