H ello, Urban Experience Readers, blessings. I hope you and your loved ones have a safe, happy, and blessed Thanksgiving. If you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, I pray you are able to reflect on the things God has blessed you with, including the breath in your lungs and another day to be in the land of the living. In my previous article, in case you missed it, I talked about sex, including sexual abuse and pornography. This month, I want to talk about domestic violence. Domestic violence stems across all races and ethnic backgrounds as well as social, financial, successful, and religious backgrounds. The man or woman making $250 million dollars per year can be just as or more abusive as the man or woman making $25,000 per year. People may think this only happens in poor communities, which is not true. If you are reading this article, whether you are a Christian or atheist, rich or poor, Black or White, male or female, straight or gay–this article is important and relevant for you to read. If you are currently in a domestic violent relationship, please know there is help. You can begin by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. It is easy for someone who has never experienced domestic violence to say to someone who is in a domestic violence relationship to just leave–but this is easier said than done. There are many reasons why it is hard for someone to leave a violent relationship. The victim may be afraid and they may believe that if they leave their spouse/partner, they will come after them and do more harm, possibly ending their life. Unfortunately, there are television shows and movies around these horrible acts. Other reasons for not leaving an abusive relationship include financial dependence, especially if the abuser is the breadwinner. It also may be hard to leave because of the empty promises, also known as the honeymoon phase, where the abuser promises to never do it again. The victim may even feel sorry for the abuser and may feel they did something to deserve the punishment. Some stay in the relationship because they believe that the abuser will change. I mentioned in a previous article that domestic violence is a mental, psychological, emotional, and even spiritual matter. If the individual is not willing to address this problem head-on and get the help they need, the problem will continue. An individual who shows domestic violence behavior will not change until they are honest with themselves and understand that they are being abusive. If you have a new relationship and you see or experience early signs of domestic abuse, or if you see a history of turbulent relationships–get out. If you know your partner has been abusive in their past relationship(s) and they have not sought help, please don’t think that this individual is going to treat you any differently. Here are just a few signs that you may be in an abusive relationship: 1) Your spouse/partner begins to isolate you from friends and family. 2) They constantly want to know where you are and what you are doing. 3) They take control of your finances, plans, etc. without discussing them with you. 4) They rarely take responsibility or admit fault. 5) They manipulate or “gaslight” you. 6) They display feelings of obsessiveness and/or possessiveness. 7) They engage in physical, emotional, or sexual violence toward you. You may ask what causes an individual to act this way. From a biblical perspective, I direct people back to the sin that we were all born into, and because sin has no limits, it can include domestic violence. The bible tells us in 1 John 3:15 that it starts with hate, and hate can lead to murder. With this being said, domestic violent relationships can end in murder. You may ask where that hate comes from. It may come from past abuse or current abuse and trauma that have never been acknowledged or healed–this includes hating someone else based on their skin color. The hate in one’s heart must be expressed somewhere; hate can be expressed toward the person who is closest to the individual, often the spouse/partner. If you are the abuser, God is giving you grace and mercy, so please get help. If you are the victim, please seek help and safety immediately. If you are a bystander, please do whatever you can to help the victim to get out, and please know our office is here to help. Thank you Caleb Thomas M.A. LMHC 319-206-0651 thomasacc.com caleb@thomasacc.com Thomas & Associates Counseling & Consulting Counseling with a God given purpose! 7
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