It is no secret that men are horrible when it comes to communication and sharing our feelings! In fact, let’s be honest. We suck at it! Often times, we are so concerned with our “reputation” or the way others will “perceive us” for allowing our feelings to show, that we would rather suffer in silence than to admit that we are struggling emotionally. Every day, there are millions upon millions of men walking around in self-imposed prisons. Some will never see the light of day, while others will, at some point, find freedom from their fear of expression. My goal is simple. I want to SET MEN FREE! So, why are men so afraid of showing their feelings? Why do we pretend that nothing affects us? Why can’t we just be REAL? I can sum it up in one word... PRIDE!!! Men are prideful to a fault! Here are just a few examples of our pride: 1) We won’t admit when we are lost! 2) We don’t want to ask for help. 3) We don’t want to admit that we are wrong. 4) We don’t ever want to use the phrase “I don’t know” because we think we should have all the answers. 5) We don’t like to appear weak. 6) We definitely don’t like to admit that women are just better at certain things than we are! That being said, let’s focus on the “feelings.” Holding our feelings in is one of the biggest culprits in sabotaging our relationships, friendships, parenthood, and even our careers. When we are posed with the question: “Are you okay?” because we had an obvious flicker of concern or fear in our eyes, or in our disposition, we use the infamous “I’m good” response. Well the truth is, WE ARE NOT GOOD! WE ARE NOT OKAY! WE NEED HELP! Of course, while we are screaming for help on the inside, our outer appearance shows confidence, poise, calmness, or arrogance. Even with that fleeting moment of outward insecurity and concern, we quickly shake it off and keep it moving. When I was a little boy, around the age of 7 or 8, I remember giving myself prep talks when I got hurt, disappointed, frustrated or upset. I would literally go and lock myself in the bathroom, stare at myself straight in the eyes, and say: “You’re good!” “You’re okay!” “Everything is going to be fine!” I would then get really serious. I would lean in closer to the mirror, squint my eyes, grit my teeth, and say “STOP CRYING!” Moments later, I would emerge from the bathroom as though nothing happened! There was no evidence of any pain, hurt or disappointment for anyone to see. I have no idea where those feelings went, but they were gone! (Or so I thought). We use the infamous “I’m good” response. Well the truth is, WE ARE NOT GOOD! WE ARE NOT OKAY! WE NEED HELP! I have spent the better part of my life hiding my feelings. I chose to ignore them as though they would magically disappear. To my conscious mind – they did. Over the course of time; however, those suppressed feelings began to surface in the form of uncharacteristic behavior, self-sabotage, poor judgment, unfulfilling relationships, womanizing, addictive behavior, bad decisions, depression, and low self-esteem. These are just a few of the unwanted manifestations of my suppressed feelings. I have suffered tremendously because of compartmentalizing. The question is: Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it to defend a false persona? A fake sense of confidence? A misrepresentation of who we truly are? At what point do we get real, and deal with our issues? October 2019 The URBAN EXPERIENCE 29
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