FROM JIM HALPERT In The Early Seasons, You Might Think You Can Goof Off And Have Fun At Work, But Eventually Management Will Offer You A Promotion And More Money, And You’ll Take It Because You Won’t Be As Charming And Funny As You Used To Be At the beginning of the show The Office, wise-cracking slacker, Jim Halpert plays pranks on his fascist coworker, Dwight, tries to lure Pam — the unassuming receptionist — away from her fiance, and turns down every opportunity to rise in the paper supply business for which he works. In fact, he says, and I quote: “Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, well, if this were my career? I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.” As time goes on, however, he shows signs that adulthood and the promise of more money and authority come for us all. Eventually, he accepts a promotion to be the assistant regional manager, and as you might imagine, he doesn’t follow through with his promise to throw himself in front of a train. Also, once he becomes a manager and father, the showrunners have no choice but to cast younger office workers to replace him, because customers don’t find Jim as charming and funny as they used to. This happened to me professionally. FROM JERRY SEINFELD As Long As You Surround Yourself With Extraordinarily Talented People, You Can Turn A Career As A Mediocre Comedian Into One Of The Most Successful Sitcoms Ever All you have to do is be friends with Larry David and cast the most talented comedic actors and actresses of a generation, and that’s pretty much it. You don’t even have to know how to act; you just have to keep showing up to work. Talk about inspiration! FROM BRENDON SMALL You Have To Put Effort Into Things If You Want Them To Happen In Home Movies, Brendon Small pays a visit to the library and is disappointed to learn that the mere act of going to a place where people are historically productive doesn’t automatically mean you will walk out with a completed school report. He says, “I am just here to tell you people that you can’t just go to the library and expect to sit down and have a report just happen, just to fall in your lap. That’s something you have to put effort into. And if you think you can just squeeze by and not do any work, you got another thing coming.” I find this to be the case with the following: • Books: You can’t just buy a bunch of books and expect that information to travel from the pages, through the air, and into your brain. You actually have to read every sentence. • Zines: Sometimes I’ll sit down to write a zine and just stare at a computer with a blinking cursor on an empty page. Time to do some writing, I’ll think. And then I just read a bunch of Buzzfeed articles for an hour or so. • Art appreciation: Other times I’ll go to the art museum in the interest of being moved by beautiful paintings, and then I’ll realize I’m far too dense to understand what I’m looking at. Plus I get tired easily, and I don’t like being in crowds as much as I used to. • Relationships: Apparently just having a relationship is not enough. You have to actually put effort into it, lest it fall apart and ruin your life for a year. Who knew?
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