WEREWOLF RADAR: BY JORDAN DOLL What has horns, a cell phone and a lunch box filled with cans? A goatman. And no, I’m not talking about the beloved X Games athlete/morning radio DJ/guy-you-bought-weed-from-in-high-school of the same monicker. I’m talking about THE Goatman. The literal half-man, half-goat cryptid said to be roaming the forests and off-the-path lairs of rural New England. At any given time there seem to be between 3 and 700 goatmen and women operating within the United States. (Author’s note: I mention goatwomen only as a matter of biological course. It is no secret in paranormal circles that the job of goat ANYthing is a field sorely in need of diversification). Perhaps you’ve heard of the Maryland Goatman. No? Copper Canyon Goatman? How about the Pope Lick Monster? A goatman style monster named after the nearby creek where, presumably, something unpleasant happened involving a pope. Still nothing? Well, it really doesn’t matter all that much which goatman you pick because quite often the story is the same. There is a place, usually a bridge or a cave where dwells the Goatman! A twisted man-goat mashup, jumping right out of your nightmares like an SNL character everybody would rather forget. People are told not to go the Goatman’s lair but they do and the Goatman kills the shit out of them. Sometimes he kills his victims with a bloody axe. Sometimes he drops on their backs Dracula-style from the railroad trestle above. And sometimes he lures them out on the tracks using mimicry and hypnosis where they get hit by a train, as was the case of Roquel Bain, a 26-year-old paranormal investigator who was struck and killed by a train near Louisville, Kentucky while attempting to catch a glimpse of the legendary creature — one of many such deaths that lend a note of tragic truth to the monster’s legacy. Her boyfriend survived by hanging from the railroad trestle. He didn’t see anything. So who is the Goatman? Where does he come from and what does he want outside of hay and turnips obviously? Well, the most metal of the many legends is that the Goatman is a farmer of black sheep who struck a deal with the devil for … a golden tractor? I don’t know, the legend doesn’t specify but it must have been something good because the farmer was turned into a goatman for his trouble. Yet another tale tells of a goatscientist performing illegal goatsperiments on innocent goats deep in the woods. One day, one of the experiments backfires, transforming the scientist into a goatman in what must have been a great, fiery goatsplosion! Runaway circus freaks, witches summoning demons from the pits of hell, etc., etc. The list of possible origins for the creature rolls on but we will have to wait for the Goatman to get integrated into the Avengers before we get an official, MCU-approved origin story. (On a related note, please email Werewolf Radar directly if you would like a sneak peek at my spec screenplay for Goatman: Origins.) If you take anything away from the legend of the Goatman let it be this: some legends are in place for a reason. The very first myths came about largely as a way to warn people away from dangerous paths and areas. Legend-tripping is fun but it is never, ever worth your life. Unless of course you are an ex-cop bent with nothing left to lose who decides to pursue the Goatman who killed her partner in which case, back off. That is the exact plot of Goatman: Origins. , Have questions about the paranormal? Send them to werewolfradarpod@gmail.com or on Twitter: @WerewolfRadar. end them to: werewolfradar.com/contact-the-radar IT’S A BIG, WEIRD WORLD. DON’T BE SCARED. BE PREPARED. No. 145 BEST OF 071
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