OMNIBUS MONSTRICARIUM: Fearsome Critters of The American Frontier America: Land of the Free, Home of the Babes. A place where you are free to worship how you wanna worship (sort of), shoot what you wanna shoot (kind of), and vape where you wanna vape (from my COLD DEAD HANDS I say). But it wasn’t always that way, no siree. See, hundreds of years ago when the English fled England to escape the English, the America they arrived in was not the easy, breezy mecca of cultural bipolarism that it is today. It was a primal, untamed place fraught with unimaginable new dangers. Sure they had escaped the constant threat of black nights, wicked witches and various Sheriffs of Nottingham. But this place was something else. Rattlesnakes! Grizzly bears! And like, millions of people already living here who were like, “Hey, could you be cool?” Truly terrifying. Hell, you couldn’t go a day in frontier times without an eagle swooping down to snatch up your baby, then, while you were fighting off that eagle, a second eagle coming in and carrying off your husband. Yeesh! Eagles! Nevertheless, these people pushed westward, discovering new lands and animals as they went and, because every “new” nation needs a new mythology, inventing a few along the way. Tall tales of fearsome critters meant to caution children and poke fun at tenderfoots. Most of them so gloriously batshit insane that we here at Werewolf Radar simply had to sit down and share with you a few of our favorites. So join me, dear reader, on a wonderful weird-West safari, as we dive into this, the first ever WEREWOLF RADAR OMNIBUS MONSTRICARIUM: Fearsome Critters of the American Frontier edition. Hoop Snake (Fig. 1) The Hoop Snake is exactly what it sounds like: A hot new dance craze sweeping EDM clubs the nation over! No, not really, but that IS what it sounds like. However it also sounds like a snake that can bite its own tail in its mouth and roll along the ground like a wheel. According to frontier No. 140 mythology the snake would chase after people and prey in this fashion, reaching incredible speeds, until catching up and delivering a venomous sting with the fang imbedded in its tail. Apparently the best way to escape this rollicking critter was to dive behind a rock, or a tree, or a horse which would then take the bite, which was apparently potent enough to kill said horse, tree or … well, the rock was probably fine. Now, I know what you are thinking: Doesn’t that seem like an awful lot of work for a snake to go through just to snag a mouse or an unsuspecting pilgrim hiney? Also, wouldn’t the snake get all dizzy and barfy rolling around like that all the time? Further, would it be possible to affix two of the snakes to some kind of frame and fashion a snake cycle of sorts? The answer, at least from this cryptozoologist, is a triple yes. Squonk (Fig. 2) Next up we have the pitiful squonk. The squonk was described by frontier yarn-spinners as a creature so ugly and shameful that it spends most of its time hiding and weeping about how dang ugly and shameful it is. Characterized by its ill-fitting, wart-covered skin, the squonk has been known to dissolve into a puddle of tears when cornered or captured by those who would want to bag this utter ray of sunshine for whatever reason. What are you gonna do with it once you catch it? Sit around listening to Elliot Smith and smoking clove cigarettes with it? No. I’ll tell you what you are gonna do if you ever catch a squonk. Makeover, baby! We need to work on that self-esteem, girl! A coat of rouge, a push-up bra and a few seasons of RuPaul’s Drag Race oughta do the trick. And before you know it, everyone’ll be melting into a puddle when the squonk walks down the street, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I’m not sure either. Cactus Cat (Fig. 3) Okay, imagine a cactus. Got it? Now imagine a cat. Now put the two together. NO! Not like that! Oh God, that poor cat! That poor cactus! Well, Elliott
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