that didn’t go great. Anyway, the cactus cat is easily one of the best critters on this list. Not just because it was said to be a wildcat-like creature covered in cactus needles, but because it was also said to use its forked, spiny tail to slash open cactuses, wait a couple of weeks, and then return to get drunk on the fermented cactus water. Notoriously cantankerous, they ate scorpions and lived inside hollowed out cactuses. During mating season, the male cats were said to crack open their best boozy cactus and wait for the smell to attract a female, at which point the two would get drunk and produce a litter of cactus kittens. Why is the cactus cat a Werewolf Radar favorite? Well, if you can’t find the joy in an angry, drunk needle cat, stumbling around the desert, trying to get laid with scorpions on its breath, then you just don’t get what we here at Werewolf Radar are all about. Because it’s that. Exactly that, is what we’re about. Next! Jackalope (Fig. 4) Odds are if you grew up in any of the more “rootin’ tootin’” states you have probably heard about the Jackalope. The legendary hybrid offspring of a jackrabbit and an antelope, resulting in the antlered critter whose taxidermied heads festoon the walls of our favorite steakhouses from Denver to Phoenix. Hell, you may have even been sent off to chase after one by a particularly “fun” uncle who just sat by the fire drinking beer and giggling while you were off getting covered in ticks and poison oak, chasing after an animal that hasn’t been seen in the wild since, well, ever. Lying to children isn’t fun, Jerry. However! Unlike many of the crazy critters on this list, there may actually be some scientific basis for tales of the Jackalope. No, seriously. See, jackrabbits have been known to carry the Shope papilloma virus, a rabbitsonly affliction that can cause the critters to sprout large, woody looking warts that some have speculated, could grow large enough to resemble antlers on the animal’s head. Like how unicorns are just horses that got ice cream cones stuck to their heads, or how Willem Dafoe is just Julia Roberts when viewed in full sunlight. Dungavenhooter While many of the animals on this list draw the line at “mild nuisance,” the Dungavenhooter will: Mess. You. Up. Described as an alligator with a clubbed tail and a pair of enormous nostrils instead of a mouth, the lumber workers of the North Woods lived in fear that they would stumble across a Dungavenhooter while walking near a stream or river. The creature would then trip the unfortunate lumberjack or Jill and use its heavy tail to POUND THEM INTO A GODDAMN GAS, which it would then inhale through its oversized nostrils. WHAT THE HELL? I mean, there are a lot of embarrassing ways for a lumberjack to go out: Having their head hollowed out by a woodpecker. Being carried off in the night and built into a dam by beavers. Or even something as simple as doing whatever it takes to break that world flapjack-eating record. But this has gotta be a tough one to explain to the family of the victim. “I know this must be very difficult for you Mr. and Mrs. Lumberparents. But the gas that the Dungavenhooter made out of your son is rich in protein and has a fresh, piney scent. If you could just sign these release forms we can get right to work on preparing an aerosol version of your son for distribution in grocery stores nationwide.” I could go on for days here, faithful monstronauts: the wampus cat, the Agropelter, the sidehill gouger. Seriously. According to the average frontiersman, it was like a goddamn game of Yu-Gi-Oh! out there. But hopefully, armed with this new knowledge, you will feel a little safer the next time you venture out into that big, weird wilderness we call the American Fig. 3 frontier. Heck, maybe you could even be the next to discover some strange, new animal! What about some kind of turtle with a basketball instead of a shell? Or a raccoon with human hands that just slaps the shit out of people? OOH! What about just a great big dog that you could ride on, and it has pretty hair, and it eats hay and … I just invented a horse, didn’t I? Have questions about the paranormal? Send them to: werewolfradarpod@gmail.com | Twitter: @WerewolfRadar. It’s a big, weird world. Don’t be scared. Be Prepared. Fig. 2 Fig. 4 19
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