| BEST OF BIRDY 038 STOP EVERYTHING. If you are eating dinner, throw that shit out the window. If you are walking your dog, set him free. If you are driving a car, step out, walk away, and let it roll into the ocean. Because what I am about to tell you is going to turn your entire world upside down. Get this: According to a video circulating the deep web, Bigfoot is real. I know! I know. I was skeptical at first too. Seems like every few months a new Bigfoot video drops and the internet goes all ape-spit. Dissecting and scrutinizing it. Pointing out plot holes and comparing it to Bigfoot’s earlier work until it is inevitably exposed as a hoax. But things are different this time. YouTuber Peter Caine has proof. Proof in the form of body parts. Most notably, Mr. Caine claims to be in possession of one of Bigfoot’s big ol’ feet. And he is not shy about showing you. Over the course of about two weeks in 2017, Mr. Caine quietly, but brazenly, released a number of videos on his YouTube channel depicting the unboxing and subsequent poking and prodding of various animal bits which he claims to be the frozen remains of a dismembered Bigfoot. No doubt a startling development for most of Mr. Caine’s regular subscribers as his channel normally focuses on dog training videos. No. 136 Mr. Caine claims the body parts come from a creature his father encountered in 1972 while hunting in a patch of “mush cane.” The creature allegedly charged at his father, at which point he shot it (possibly with a grenade launcher judging by the way it apparently exploded into a million pieces). He then dragged the corpse home where he wrapped the pieces in brown paper, and selflessly froze them for future generations instead of selling them for a gajillion dollars. The videos themselves are wildly entertaining. Mr. Caine is something like a cross between a dangerously caffeinated Marc Maron and your dad’s war buddy, “Patches,” who doesn’t trust Netflix (“Who’s watchin’ who, man?!”). He comports himself with all the pissed off earnestness of a man who has had been pushed too far; A man who has a goddamn Bigfoot arm in his freezer and is sick of people making wild allegations to the contrary. At the top of each video, Mr. Caine usually takes a few moments to scream vulgarities at his detractors before excitedly unwrapping the Bigfoot limb in question like it is the spookiest Christmas morning of all time. The body parts themselves are actually pretty convincing. They definitely appear to be from some brand of hairy hominid, and look suitably frozen and icky for something that has been rattling ERIC JOYNER, T-REX MUTATES INTO LEGO BRICKS - ERICJOYNER.COM
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