around in the Caine’s freezer for a few decades, likely making all the ice cream taste weird and serving as legal grounds for, I would guess, no fewer than three of his divorces. Throughout the video series, Mr. Caine reveals that he is the proud owner of a Bigfoot forearm/hand section, a pair of Bigfoot kidneys, and of course, a Bigfoot foot and ankle. He is refreshingly “hands-on” with his trophies and really shows us what they can do. Slamming them around to exhibit their weight, pointing out anatomical consistencies like skin and bone marrow, and describing the acrid, piney odor that allegedly wafts off the meat. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The real show begins when a YouTube commenter suggests that the “bones don’t look right” and that Mr. Caine’s enormous frozen Bigfoot foot, the crown jewel of his collection, is a forgery. Mr. Caine responds with all the measured calmness one might expect from a dude with a freezer full of monster meat. By whipping out a blow dryer and an enormous bowie knife and performing one of the most gripping backyard Bigfoot dissections I have ever seen, thawing and cutting away the frozen flesh to reveal that the foot does indeed comply with the modern understanding of primate physiology. Then, as something of an afterthought, he lops off a goodly chunk of squatch-meat, and calmly informs the viewer that he intends to eat it. To eat it so as to cement his place in the “record books.” Now, I could go on for some time detailing my reservations about consuming the 40-year-old flesh of a mythical swamp ape. There are, of course, the ethical questions inherent in the eating of the most important discovery in the history of modern primatology. There is the almost 100 percent certainty of developing some horrific strain of magical swamp-diarrhea. And perhaps, most alarmingly, there are the inevitable existential ramifications of attempting to eat something that may or may not even exist. But something tells me that Mr. Caine’s mind is made up. And I, for one, salute him. It’s his damn Bigfoot meat and he should do whatever the hell he wants with it, which for some reason, I imagine should be made into some kind of stroganoff. Not sure why. Just feels right. I could prattle on for pages about the hilarious, deep web spectacle that is Peter Caine’s YouTube presence, but you should really just go and watch him for yourself over at youtube.com/petercainedogtraining. From his claims that he is working with Carnegie Mellon University to get Bigfoot named after him (Cainus Skunkus Apis), to the cameos from his many animal companions, to the “notes from his father,” that he occasionally discovers secreted away within Bigfoot’s burial wrappings, the whole thing is just plain old good programming. A cursory review of Mr. Caine’s previous videos will reveal that he is both a Bigfoot enthusiast and a prankster. Most of his videos exhibit a sort of tongue-in-cheek humor to suggest he is just goofing around with just enough of a “conspiracy wingnut” stank about them to keep things interesting. Plus, I get the distinct impression that Mr. Caine is building up to something. Like we ain’t seen nothing yet. Like, if this whole thing doesn’t end with the ceremonial unboxing of Bigfoot’s dick, I would be VERY surprised. Now you wouldn’t want to miss that, would you? HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PARANORMAL? SEND THEM TO: WEREWOLFRADARPOD@GMAIL.COM OR TWITTER: @WEREWOLFRADAR IT’S A BIG, WEIRD WORLD. DON’T BE SCARED. BE PREPARED. 3
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