Just Like The Rest Of Us, I Forget All My Good Ideas by Brian Polk One Time Six Of My Friends Went To Play Soccer But We Were All So Out Of Shape, Everyone Just Started Playing Goalie I don’t know if you’ve seen an “all goalies” version of soccer, but it’s even more boring than regular soccer. This is especially true if the ball lands in the middle of the field and all six goalies are too out of breath to go get it. For most of the game, it was both teams yelling at each other from either end of the field, “It’s your turn to get the ball!” And, “Fuck that, we got it last time.” I’m pretty sure after about 10 minutes of this, we went to the bar and watched soccer on their TV. I would say, “At least we tried,” but we really didn’t. I’m Shocked That My Old Neighbors Never Filed A Noise Complaint Against The Thunder When I lived in the Cheesman Park neighborhood a decade or so ago, my old neighbors would call the police on us like it was their hobby. I remember one time my friend and I were sharing a six-pack on our porch, quietly engaged in discussion when a cop car rolled up a few minutes after 10 p.m. “We received a noise complaint,” they told us. “Are you having a party?” When we explained to them that it was just the two of us, they were as flummoxed as we were. But before they left, they said, “Well, we have to respond whenever we get a complaint, so it’s in your best interest to keep it down.” The question I have to ask is, What do my old neighbors do when it thunders at night? The noise must destroy them. And they have absolutely no recourse. They can’t call the police or whine about it on Nextdoor or Facebook. They must just cry and ruminate on how unfair nature is to their delicate existence on this planet. Also, who moves to a major metropolis for peace and quiet? People, amiright? When I Was In New York City, I Displayed My ID In Every Bar I Went To, And They All Laughed At Me To my credit, I have friends that manage bars in Denver, and the city is really strict on enforcement. So I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt and just show my ID, even when no one asks to see one. In my experience, almost everyone appreciates this, since it takes the onus off of them to enforce the drinking laws. The New York City government must not focus all that much on enforcement of such laws. I know this because every time I showed them my driver’s license, they chuckled, pushed my ID back across the bar, and said, “Yeah, man. We know you’re of age.” Which is a nice way of saying, “Don’t even try to kid yourself, you old-lookin’ fuck.” No. 125 BRIANNA CORN, PBR - BEST OF BIRDY 053
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