It’s All Downhill From Here — But Not In A Fun Rollercoaster Kind Of Way, More Like A Rock Climbing And The Rope Snapped Kind Of Way While I don’t mean to add to anyone’s existential dread, I did want to clarify what “It’s all downhill from here” means in today’s context. Because sometimes people want to know the true nature of the environment they’re living in, and I don’t want to lie to them. Occasionally my friends and acquaintances will say things like, “Enjoy the ride,” when they should be saying, “Enjoy the fall.” I know this is all semantics, but I’m really passionate about these kinds of things. Does Anyone Else’s Seasonal Allergies Feel Like A Really Terrible Disease Has Afflicted Their Body And Caused Untold Amounts Of Suffering? I’m allergic to pollen, and I break out into literal three-minute long sneeze fests several times a week during the growing season. I really just want to sit my mind and body down and say, “Look, you’re overreacting here. It’s just pollen. It’s not going to hurt us, I promise. I know several people whose bodies do not make them feel like they’re gravely ill every time they breathe in the summer air, and guess what? They’re fine. YOU DON’T NEED TO DO THIS! You’re being dramatic.” Alas, my mind and body do not listen, which is kind of weird, since my brain is the very one that’s trying to tell myself to knock it off. Being alive is so fucking strange. Several Years Ago, I Found Myself Vulnerable and Bitter At One In The Morning, But Instead Of Texting My Ex, I Watched Seinfeld Reruns And Eventually Fell Asleep When I awoke the next day, I was relieved I didn’t have to read any embarrassing text messages I had sent at one the previous morning. When I relayed this story to one of my friends, he told me if you’re ever depressed and desperate to never make any decisions or send any messages at night. Always wait until at least noon the next day to see if you still feel as frantic, bitter and vulnerable as you did the night before. If you do, go ahead and let those f-bomb-ridden accusatory texts fly! (Because fuck ‘em, that’s why!) But most of the time, you’ll come to your senses, your communication and decision-making abilities will recover and you’ll be much more level-headed. Since this wisdom has helped me at some really low points of my life, I relay it on to you. It’s a real lifesaver. 31 ART BY ARTHUR BALITSKIY
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