I HAVE THE MIND OF AN APE AND SO MANY QUESTIONS THAT IT CAN’T ANSWER BY BRIAN POLK CAN YOU IMAGINE THE SHAME OF SEEING YOUR TWEET ON ONE OF BUZZFEED’S “82 OF THE ABSOLUTE DUMBEST THINGS PEOPLE POSTED ON THE INTERNET LAST MONTH” ARTICLE? I always wonder if the authors of these absolute dumbest tweets ever notice their own work, slap themselves on the forehead and say, “Holy shit, that’s me!” And if so, do they realize they most certainly lost that particular online argument? Because a lot of times the less-educated people double-down on wrong assertions despite the fact that the information they’re disputing is easily verifiable. The best example of this is when Americans misunderstand geography. They’ll say things like, “There’s only five continents: America, Africa, London, India and Hong Kong.” And when others correct them, they don’t get embarrassed, and they don’t have enough intellectual curiosity to inspire them to Google the continents. Instead, they generally say things like, “Well, that’s how we see the world from America, BIH!” So when they’re publicly named and shamed by BuzzFeed, I would like to think they: 1) Ultimately realize how wrong they are; 2) Try to educate themselves as a result; And 3) stop arguing with anyone about anything. Of course, that’s giving them a lot of credit for thought processes they’re most likely incapable of. I suppose incorrectly talking shit on the internet keeps these people indoors and away from the rest of us, so that’s a plus. WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU COME TO A POINT WHERE ALL YOU HAVE IN COMMON WITH YOUR PARTNER IS A SIMILAR TASTE IN TIKTOK VIDEOS? After a long day of work, sometimes it’s nice to come home to your loved one and see what they hearted on TikTok and Instagram No. 123 during the day. “Did you see any funny dogs while you were pooping at work,” you ask. And sure enough, they did! “Oh yeah, look at this one,” they say. Then after you show each other your vids, you don’t really have anything else to talk about. At that point, you both just stare at your phones and find other posts that you can both relate to. It really drives home the point that long-term relationships aren’t easy. And the longer they last, the more weird and complicated they become. It’s almost as if marriage (or living in sin for a couple of decades) is an antiquated institution that needs to be reevaluated and retooled to meet the demands of our modern reality. Also, you should probably talk about TikTok preferences on the first date, since the last thing you want to be stuck with is a long-term partner who isn’t social media-compatible. I’M WRITING THIS ARTICLE AT A BAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, AND THE BARTENDER HAS NOT BEEN BY TO TAKE MY ORDER YET When I sat down at the bar, the server noticed me and gave me a glass of water. This is usually when I place my order, since I always drink the same booze. But she said, “I’ll be with you in a moment.” That’s server talk for, “I’m too busy to take another drink order right now.” So now I’m just waiting for the current rush to subside so I can get a nice tall glass of booze. I’ll keep you posted. AS A PEDESTRIAN WAITING TO CROSS THE STREET, I HATE IT WHEN MOTORISTS DON’T YIELD, BUT THEN I FEEL GUILTY WHEN THEY DO I’m a neurotic pedestrian for this reason. When a motorist doesn’t yield to me, I think pretty fucked up thoughts about them. I wonder
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