CAN EVERYONE IN MY PAST FORGET ABOUT ALL THE TIMES I ACTED AWKWARD? THE REASON I ASK IS BECAUSE I’M TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT IT When I’m lying in bed at night, a mere seconds away from nodding off to sleep, I tend to think about all the times I did incredibly stupid shit in front of others. This has a two-pronged effect: (1) it makes me hate the fact that I’m not a smooth person. And (2) it keeps me awake. And frankly, I’ve grown weary of this nightly occurrence and I don’t want to do it anymore. So I’m offering a deal to all the people in my life: I will forget about all the times you acted like a bumbling fool in front of me if you forget all the times I behaved like a yammering jackass in front of you. That way, we could disremember our collective inelegance and finally get a good night’s sleep, for chrissake. No. 121 NOW WE’RE COOKING WITH GASOLINE Recently, I discovered the phrase, “now we’re cooking with gas,” was coined by the natural gas industry to promote the increased consumption of that particular non-renewable resource. I always thought the phrase meant, “... cooking with gasoline,” which would be a hell of a way to cook, am I right? But now that I know I’m shilling for powerful titans of business when I use this expression, I will henceforth be saying, “Now we’re cooking with gasoline,” because the natural gas industry doesn’t need any more spokespeople. (Note: I will promptly stop using this turn of phrase if the petrol industry picks up on it. And if the saying does get popular, they probably will, since marketers tend to ruin everything. To quote the late Bill Hicks, “Quit putting a god damn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet.” … But I digress.) MARK MOTHERSBAUGH, BEAUTIFUL MUTANTS: FIBI, DEDICATED FAMILY WATCHDOG
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