SOMETIMES WHEN I’M NUMBER TWOING IN A QUIET PLACE AND THERE ARE PEOPLE I DON’T KNOW VERY WELL ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BATHROOM DOOR, I WILL CLEAR MY THROAT AND COUGH A BUNCH SO NO ONE CAN HEAR THE SOUNDS OF MY CACOPHONOUS DIGESTIVE SYSTEM The only downside to this is when I open the bathroom door and have to explain both the smell and the fact that I don’t have Covid. (“It was the guy before me,” usually explains away the odor; whereas, “I’m not sick, it’s just that my throat has just been so dry in this winter weather,” takes care of the cough. I suppose I will have to come up with a different excuse during the humid summer months, but I have some time to plan before that happens.) AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, I AM STILL NOT A LITERAL MOTHER FUCKER As an insult, “mother fucker” was never meant to be taken literally. It was just a mean thing to call someone. While I have been referred to as a mother fucker on a few occasions, as a statement of pure accuracy, I’ve never actually had sexual relations with a woman who has birthed children. I have been intimate with people who went on to have children, but I don’t think the term applies retroactively. (I suppose you could call me a “pre-mother fucker,” but if you start throwing around this insult, you’re going to have some explaining to do.) The funny thing is, all of my friends who have had children are most definitely fucking mothers, so they are true examples of this expression. But none of them are figurative mother fuckers (they’re actually quite nice). I suppose that’s the nature of swear words — they’re hyperbolic in nature. For example, I’ve never met an actual “ass clown,” “shit head,” or “fuck face” — though I have referred to people as such. Also, all the literal “bitches” I’ve met have been quite lovely — though I was bitten by one once, but that’s just because she was being a good girl and protecting her owner. SPEAKING OF CANINES, MY DOG IS REALLY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE AN AVERSION TO KILLING ANIMALS From daily feedings that must be served promptly on schedule to walks he shamelessly demands, my dog is quite bold with his awareness that I won’t murder him. (He is both a literal and figurative son of a bitch.) And now in his old age — he’s 15 — he doesn’t even discriminate where he pees anymore. This latest development has really tested my patience. I even explained to him that if he pees in the house one more time, I would dump him on the side of the road. The next day, he called my bluff when he began micturating in the living room while never breaking eye contact with me. It’s like he was saying, “How do you like me now, you animal-loving nerd?” He certainly has my number. I’M GOING TO START AN ORANGE JUICE COMPANY AND MAKE A PRODUCT CALLED, “OOPS ALL PULP” It will contain absolutely no juice, and consumers will have to eat it with a spoon. After I quickly go out of business, I will still be proud of myself for accomplishing one of my life goals. And when people say, “That was a pretty stupid life goal,” I will say, “Well now, that’s not a very nice thing to say, is it?” And then I will accomplish another life goal — trying to get more people to be less dickish and judgemental. 11
14 Publizr Home