JOINING CULTS, DRINKING TOO MUCH & OTHER THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU'RE BORED BY BRIAN POLK THERE SHOULD BE MORE CULTS BASED AROUND BOWLING Every time I go looking for cults to join, I never seem to find one that’s really into bowling. And that’s a shame, because I think I have a lot to offer a cult: I’m good at following orders. I positively melt in the presence of a charismatic leader. I’m particularly adept at striking fear in the hearts of our perceived enemies. And I could sign over my possessions to the group in order to enrich our increasingly paranoid and unscrupulous overlords. But for the life of me, no single sect I encounter has the slightest interest in bowling. No. 119 In fact, some cults expressly ban the sport, because they’re afraid the overstimulation will distract our groveling little brains from the outlandish myth that unites us. But I mean, come on. As with any cult, I generally come for the brainwashing, but stay for the fun. And if there’s no bowling, then it’s like culting without meaning. (Note: I did just turn the word “cult” into a verb for the purposes of this article. I have this power.) Maybe I should learn to be more charismatic and start my own bowling-based cult. Of course, that does seem like an awful lot of work. MARK MOTHERSBAUGH, FROM THE POSTCARD DIARIES
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