COFFEE SHOPS THAT ALSO SELL BOOZE ARE GREAT BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO ANYWHERE ELSE FOR “SWITCHOVER TIME” The other day I was sitting in a coffee shop at 2 p.m. feeling a tad bit fidgety. I had consumed several cups of black coffee and it became apparent that it was indeed time to switch over to the booze. I asked everyone in my party if they’d like to join me in finding a bar, and one of my friends said, “Dude, they have a full bar here.” And I replied, “You gotta be fucking kidding me!” And then I ordered a double and didn’t even have to find a new place to sit. Amazing! I OFTEN FEEL BAD ABOUT INVITING PEOPLE TO WATCH ME DJ I’ll say things like, “You should come see me play some records. I mean, if you want to. Although I probably wouldn’t go and see you DJ — especially not on a weeknight. So I guess you don’t have any real incentive … You know what? I’m sorry, never mind.” This is why I’m not a salesperson (or a full-time DJ). THERE’S NOTHING I LOVE SO MUCH THAT I WOULD DO IT EIGHT HOURS A DAY The author Kurt Vonnegut once divulged his writing routine in an interview, claiming he worked four hours a day — from 9 to 12 a.m. and then again from 5 to 6 p.m. “Businessmen would achieve better results if they studied human metabolism,” he said. “No one works well eight hours a day. No one ought to work more than four hours.” And this was a person who loved writing; he wrote 14 novels, countless articles, and even taught at the Iowa Writers’ Workshop. I love writing too, and playing drums. But I don’t like either of these activities enough to spend the majority of my waking hours performing them. First of all, I would develop carpal tunnel syndrome or tendonitis after a while, so eventually I would be physically unable to keep up an eight hours a day pace. Second, all of the joy would be systematically sucked out of my formerly enjoyable pursuits, and I would begin to hate them. And then what would I have to look forward to? DO YOU EVER ENGAGE IN ACTIVITIES TO PROLONG YOUR LIFE EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T REALLY LIKE LIVING ALL THAT MUCH? I drink three cups of green tea every day, exercise five days a week, eat salads and oranges all the time — and for what? To keep this shitshow going? Yeah, I don’t get it either. SOMETIMES I EAT TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND THINK, WELL SHIT, I’M DEFINITELY GOING TO PAY FOR THAT Most of the time I take pot edibles to help me sleep at night. But sometimes I’ll take more than I should, and instead of spitting a little bit of it out — and wasting perfectly good drugs — I just swallow the whole thing. Then I brace myself for the hour or two I’ll have to lie in bed, convincing myself not to freak out. Life’s a wild ride, sometimes, no? I CAN’T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I WAS SO EXCITED I JUST COULDN’T HIDE IT Probably when I was bowling … 5
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