EVER GET BEHIND A SLOW WALKER AND THINK, SO THIS IS WHAT IT’S LIKE NOT TO HAVE ANXIETY? The worst is when there’s two people walking at a snail’s pace in front of you, and you’re desperately trying to figure out how to get around them on such a small sidewalk. I just want to scream, “How does your brain not hate the pace you use to get around? My cerebral matter would be absolutely furious with me if I ever attempted to walk that slow.” But I guess it must be nice not to walk with the impatience of someone who is in dire need of a restroom. One of these days, I hope to learn to swagger, strut or even sashay — but it would take a lot of patience that I simply don’t have. My brain needs me to be places even when I have no places to be. It’s quite the burden. DON’T EVER CALL IN SICK TO WORK BY SAYING THE FOLLOWING: “I WAS GOING TO CALL IN SICK AND TAKE THE DAY OFF, FERRIS BUELLER-STYLE, BUT THEN I ACTUALLY GOT SICK, SO NOW I’M CALLING IN DOUBLE SICK” There’s a tendency in American society to over-explain why you’re calling in sick. This is no doubt due to the Protestant Work Ethic™ No. 118 that we’ve allowed ourselves to be beholden to at the expense of our own happiness and fulfillment. But there is such a thing as being too honest. We should all try to normalize saying something like, “I shan’t be at work on this fine day! [click]” and leave it at that. Keeping your coworkers guessing about your reasoning will give them something to do during the inevitable lulls in the workday. SOMETIMES I READ THE NEWS AND THINK, WELL AT LEAST I DIDN’T QUIT DRINKING I don’t know how you sober folks deal with global warming, rampant gun violence, the rising tide of fascism, anti-intellectualism, skyrocketing rents, unaffordable housing, inaccessible health care, working too many hours at terrible jobs, traffic, shitty weather, etc. Sometimes extremely short-term solutions that involve booze, bar food and your friends that still drink can take a load off. Though I suppose teetotalers have television, which isn’t nothing. Still, drunks like me have that too. Then again, I have plenty of friends that don’t drink, and they’re still around, so I suppose it’s not as big of a deal as I think it is. Hmm … On an unrelated note, I’ve grown bored with this topic, so let’s move on, shall we? EYEBALL LOLLIES - @KAITEN_ART

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