“EXCUSE ME, BUT I THINK YOU’RE IN MY SEAT” I said this to a bus driver once as a joke. He didn’t laugh. Instead he got up and let me drive the bus. And that’s the story of how I began my multi-decade career as a driver for RTD. I USED TO BE MY DOG’S HERO UNTIL I DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO TAKE HER FOR A WALK, AND NOW SHE BEGRUDGINGLY TOLERATES ME It was a tough break for old Daisy, but it was also inevitable. It happened to me with all of my heroes. Once you realize each individual is just some random, over-scheduled person who doesn’t have time for you, then you tend to lose respect for just about everyone. I DON’T ORDINARILY RESPOND TO TEXTS THIS PROMPTLY, SO DON’T ASSUME A PRECEDENT HAS BEEN SET Usually, it takes me at least 30 minutes to respond to any and all texts. You just happened to catch me on the toilet, so don’t go around thinking it will ever happen again. MY FRIEND TOLD ME ONE OF HER COWORKERS WAS “HORNY FOR THE COMPANY,” AND I LAUGHED KNOWINGLY We’ve all worked with people who drank the Kool-Aid and were a little too into their job — kind of like Dwight Schrute from The Office, or Gareth Keenan from the British Office (sometimes I purport to watch the original U.K. version of the sitcom for scene cred). And it’s always fascinating to imagine what these folks are getting out of it. I’m not saying I would ever show up to a job and half-ass it — you can absolutely take pride in your work without selling your soul. But to make a job — especially a low-paying one — your entire identity just seems like such a waste of your own potential. Day jobs exist so you can have a shot at creating contentment in your real life. Being horny for the company just means 1) you’re being a sucker for our capitalist overlords and 2) you’re exhausting everyone you work with. Finding meaning outside of work may be a challenge, but it’s better than being a Dwight (for the U.S. audiences) or a Gareth (for my fellow stonking U.K. blokes). I HAVE A FEELING THAT IN A PAST LIFE I WAS A COOL DISCO DANCING QUEEN WHO OVERDOSED ON A MIXTURE OF COCAINE AND QUAALUDES IN THE LATE 1970S I’m not sure why I think this, but I’m not sure why I think a lot of things. 5
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