a good parent, so she would know what to do when she became a parent herself. I started thinking about all the different components of being a good parent, and that was really when BeLove Parenting began. I began BeLove Parenting to help parents fi nd more joy in parenting, build stronger connections with their child, and give kids what they need to be resilient in the face of challenges and thrive. Interview with Penny Meeker, BeLove Parenting By Ed Conn Penny Meeker is a parent coach, writer, positive youth development specialist, and a parent to three wonderful young adults. For 30+ years, she had the opportunity to work with kids, parents, and organizations. Penny helps parents make intentional parenting decisions to meet the needs of their unique child, create deeper connections with less confl ict and a safer, supportive environment, and increase children’s resilience in the face of life’s challenges. Penny, how did BeLove Parenting come about? As a parent myself, I remember being challenged to know how to handle different situations and behaviors that came up. Because of my profession, working with children and youth, I drew on my training and background to get me through. Even still, sometimes, I felt at a loss to know what to do at times. I often wondered how parents did it, if they have a job that is not related to youth development, who hadn’t been to all the trainings, experiences, and education that I had. When my daughter, Zoe, was around 12 or 13, she asked me what made me How has your own parenting experiences affected how you coach others? For the practical parenting tools and effective strategies and interventions, I draw on research, training, education, and experience. The empathy that I have for what parents are struggling with and how they’re feeling comes from my own experiences as a parent. I may not have been through the exact same challenges as the parent I am coaching, but I can relate to more universal feelings that parents have. Parenting is exhausting, exhilarating, and rewarding and however different the individual challenges for a parent, I can still relate to those feelings. You talk about parent coaching. What is it? As a parent coach, I help parents meet their goals. Parents come into coaching for a variety of reasons. Some parents want support and tools to deal with specifi c struggles such as toddler behaviors, teen attitudes, morning stress, bedtime/sleep issues or setting boundaries without harm. For example, parents may fi nd themselves negotiating with their teenager all day. They’re feeling exhausted, and end up yelling at their child. Neither they nor their child is happy or thriving with that dynamic. In situations where parents desire a different dynamic in their relationship with their child, parent coaching can help develop routines, interventions and other intentional strategies that work for the unique needs of the child and family. Parents also come to coaching when children are dealing with complex issues and diagnoses, I can be part of the team that supports the entire family as parents need tools and support, not just the child. As a coach, I also work with organizations to support their families, speak at parent nights, teach workshops, or have group coaching session on specifi c topics. How are your coaching sessions set up? I meet one on one with a parent, caregiver, or co-parents. Parents and I have an initial meeting where we look at their main concerns. We also talk about their child’s strengths and the wonderful qualities of their child. Finally, I want to know what the parents’ main goals are. I create an individualized plan based on their unique needs and goals. I know parents are busy, so I meet with parents either in-person or online and have a fl exible schedule. Are there any anecdotes of success that you can share with us? Yes, I have a parent that I coached who knew that she didn’t want to raise her child the way that she had been raised, but instead wanted to use positive parenting practices that don’t cause harm.As the child reached the toddler stage, setting boundaries and getting her child to follow directions became diffi cult, and she didn’t have good models to teach her how to handle her child’s challenging behavior and attitude. The parent eventually told me that she felt alone, stressed, and resorted to yelling. Together we designed routines for mornings and bedtimes, and we developed interventions for unwanted behaviors and not following directions that were appropriate and consistent. After the stability and structure were in place, we began working on building more opportunities for positive feedback and connection. The difference has been amazing – she reports being able to stay calm, have smoother mornings and bedtimes, more confi dence, and feel respected as a parent. Her child is having fewer meltdowns and is much happier and cooperative in general. What are some of your concepts for setting children up for success? When talking about setting children up for success, I use the term resilience. My work with children has been in prevention – preventing kids from risky behaviors such as using drugs, violence, teen pregnancy, and bullying. The early focus was on the kids who weren’t doing well, who were engaging in risky behaviors. We called them “at-risk.” Page 6 Then as a profession, we realized that certain kids were thriving, and starting to fi gure out what factors made kids more resilient and set them up for success. These factors include: having a positive sense of themselves and their values; feeling cared for at home, school and in the community; having family members and other adults that they can turn to; being involved and engaged at school and in their community. The more of these resilience factors, the more likely a child is to do well academically, socially and emotionally - and the less likely children are to put themselves at risk. Social Media and phones: where do you stand and how do you help families navigate in these murky waters? When I talk to kids, parents, and counselors about social media, they all agree on three things. • First, wait until kids are older to give them a phone. Phones open up so much that elementary and even middle school kids have trouble understanding and navigating. • Second, supervise their phone, social media and screen time. Kids can get in over their heads with friend issues on social media, catfi shing, and seeing things online that they aren’t old enough to make sense of. Have frequent open conversations around cyberbullying, adults posing as kids online, pornography or other things they might be exposed to, so they are learning with you as their guide. • Third, teens may complain, but they want parents to place limits on their phone and social media use. Make sure they don’t have their phones or tablets in their bedroom before bed and while they should be sleeping, so they get a full night’s sleep and aren’t “on” 24/7. Bullying is a topic that we see in the news regularly, sometimes with tragic outcomes. How do you address this? Talk about bullying frequently with your child and teenag er. Help them understand that bullying has many forms such as name-calling, exclusion, spreading rumors, physical intimidation. Keep communication open with your child, so they can let you know if they experience any issues. Get to know your child’s friends and other parents. Let your school know if you have any concerns. On the other side, it’s important to teach children how to resolve confl ict and to share your value of being kind. I like the acronym THINK – Is it? True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind – for online and in person communication. Kids are going to make mistakes, and parents can help teach kids how to do better as they learn to navigate social relationships.
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