• Abuser expressing ownership of victim We have lost too many between 2016-2020 - 36% of all homicides in Iowa were Black people, 38% of the 36% were Black women due to DV14 directly at the hands of their abusers. Countless others we have lost indirectly15 to DV due to suicide, STIs (sexually-transmitted illnesses), chronic illnesses, and deadly illnesses. I know we want to stop seeing this happening, Beloved. So here’s what we gotta do: • Be compassionate to our community’s survivors’ natural response to loss. Don’t minimize it. By giving her the right to express her true feelings, you can encourage her to choose healthy places to talk about it. • Provide resources to properly support her grief. You can’t be her forever sounding board; don’t try to be. That leads to compassion fatigue16. A great resource to give her is the link to Black therapists in Iowa Directory17 located on #BacktheBlack website18! She can find a professional to help her navigate through her grief in healthy ways. • If you’re the survivor, acknowledge your grief. It’s a perfectly NORMAL response to loss to feel grief. Give yourself permission to feel it and process it. The natural response doesn’t mean you’re failing or stupid. It is just as natural as b r e a t h i n g. Utilize the directory to find a Black therapist who you feel would make a good partner in your therapeutic process. How do you do that? Once you’ve gone through the list of folks and found some you’re genuinely interested in, call them! Tell them you’d like a 15-minute conversation with them prior to selecting a therapist - in person or via virtual meeting - to determine whether you believe it’s a good match. During your 15 minutes, tell them what you’d like in therapy, what you don’t think would work for you in therapy. Then, watch their response. If you like it, they’re probably going to make a good partner and you can proceed. If you don’t like it, thank them and move on until you do. Your insurance is paying for this, this is your healthcare, and you get to decide who you’re going to do this work with. • If you’re supporting the survivor and are just understanding this “perfect couple” wasn’t a reality, acknowledge your loss. Sometimes we are intolerant of their grief as the survivor because we are struggling to assess our own sense of the loss of what we thought this couple was - #couplesgoals. Your feelings about what you will lose or have lost in no longer having this couple buddy pair in your circle, the confusion over advice you received from them that was healthy, the strangeness for your children trying to understand what happened, etc., is also a natural response to your own loss. You’re not being selfish for these feelings, and ignoring them only makes it harder for you to remain healthy and balanced throughout your involvement in this situation. Be good to you; admit your grief and utilize those same resources you shared with the survivor. Beloved, when we acknowledge facts and have resources to effectively deal with them, we keep survivors safer physically and emotionally, as well as practice wise self-care for ourselves, our extended families, and our communities. And we don’t have to wait for August 30th to roll around every year to do that. Blessings, By Courageous Fire Owner & Social Entrepreneur of Courageous Fire, LLC Founding Executive Director of Courageous Access What’s Happening: 1. #BacktheBlack campaign and website are launched! It happened during Mental Awareness Month in May, and we’re just getting started. The more we make mental health accessible in ways that the Black Iowan community sees as approachable and culturally relatable, the more we increase safe spaces for Black women. What can you do? #BacktheBlack PSA • The merch website is now open!!! That means you can buy tees, water bottles, buttons, stickers, hoodies, beanies, ball caps, and aprons that sport the message that it is ok for us as Black Iowans to seek out mental health support. Allies, please note the message regarding who the merch is intended for and why and support accordingly. • Tell me about ALL your ideas you want me to help relatable moments into #BacktheBlack safe spaces to feel safe getting mental health support the way you believe your sphere of influence needs it! Iowa Department of Health and Human Services a budget that I can use to do the event. To get something on the books in the grant cycle during the year of 2023, let’s talk: Courageous Chat • Be a Safe Space. Are you a Black business owner with a brick and mortar? Good! Ask me to get you a Safe Space poster you can put up in your front window!
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