was indeed annoyed by last night’s events, viewed her as a potential burden, and wanted to cut the ties now. As the phone rang - yes, they had exchanged numbers - she almost held her breath so she could sound as though she casually wanted to confirm she was doing okay after last night. When he answered, his voice sounded pleasant, present, compassionate, and slightly concerned, as though he was waiting to make sure she had not declined in health through the night. Deja thanked him once again for the previous night, apologized to him for the trouble of having something heavy sprung upon him during such a carefree activity, explained to him that this wasn’t something she expected, and asked him if he found it to be any sort of problem. His response was a relief, “Hey, we all have things we deal with. Don’t worry about it.” They then went on to have a wonderful conversation that ended with Deja’s head spinning with delight. “I don’t have to worry about this man judging me! I’m so glad I can just relax and be myself around him.” To Deja this was just a chance meeting with a guy she wasn’t looking for who was turning out to be a lot of fun. To Denzel, it was the completion of Step 1: Establishing a Connection. Deja had 2 important checkpoints nicely aligned for activation at the right time: 1. Denzel had made a religious connection. Deja’s core belief system was aligned with the role of God through Christianity and corporate worship through a church congregation. It was not complete in her life until that was in order. Denzel connected with her by demonstrating the appropriate level of importance in his life as well. 2. Denzel had fulfilled a need. The 2nd most basic needs of humans are to be well. Deja was beginning to have disruptive struggles with her health, and that disturbed her peace more than she wanted to admit to herself yet. Denzel helped provide comfort and security during a time where she was not in her own surroundings but found herself in need of assistance to return to a state of control over her own physical stability. He fulfilled the need for health and wellbeing in that moment. Black women raised as Deja was would likely never forget someone who provided that who was not required to do so, such as a spouse, parent of a minor child, or a healthcare professional. Denzel was none of these, but he filled this need just the same, forming another connection checkpoint. What a bonus indeed with connection checkpoint #2. Step 2 of 7 on the Perpetrator Pattern Roadmap is to Establish a Commitment, to the perpetrator that is. Denzel likely did not expect this during his first real time spent with Deja but he absolutely noted the moment it entered the picture. Denzel’s willingness to be kind when there was seemingly nothing in for him actually looked like him living what he believed - doing to others as he would have them do to him - nothing more. Just being a real Christian. How could a woman who loved God not feel a certain sense of commitment to return the favor if she were in the position to do so, when she saw a man truly live by these principles? Their phone conversations increased in frequency and length, and soon they were talking until the early morning hours, during her breaks at work, and spending time together every weekend she was in town. During this time, Deja found out he was the victim of ACEs (adverse childhood experiences)8 , his father was violently abusive to his mother, and he was divorced from a spouse who mistreated him and left him to raise their children while she ran the streets. On one particular night, Deja hung up the phone from one of their conversations thinking, “He’s had it so hard in his life and yet is gentle and kind. He’s been let down so much. That is so unfair, but…he can count on me.” If Deja could have heard what was going on in the COURAGEO
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