COSMIC CAMPUS MONITOR REMAINS A MYSTERY By Emma Rose Neal Everyday, a living legend strides through the halls of Sir Francis Drake high school. Students are captivated as a resounding, “alright,” bellows from this monolithic being, usually watching students from his nook by the main office. As cuddly as a teddy bear but as mysterious as the food from the Canteen, the majestic campus the Blasewitz, is a sight to behold. Monitoring school Junior College baseball team and ran a six-minute mile. Though this is a speedy record, it doesn’t explain how his rate has now increased by six times. Paranormal powers are the only explanation for this case. monitor, Rich since December 14, 1998, Rich enjoys his job because it “keeps him young.” But exactly how young is Rich? His knowledge and powers reflect those of immortal beings. Rich claims to be from planet Earth, specifically New York City, but multiple sightings of him teleporting, levitating, and flying would suggest otherwise. An experienced ro-sham-bo player, junior Will Kolb frequently interacts in hand games with Rich. However, he is left in a void when it comes to who Rich really is. “I definitely think he’s a big homie, but I couldn’t tell you much past that,” Kolb said. Junior Talia Hebermann is a big fan of Rich, but also has her suspicions, “He’s a cool dude, but also I’ve never seen him blink.” This is the first sign of distinguishing otherworldly creatures. Rich’s cosmic aura is so intriguing students, to that some have tried to investigate his true identity. In 2019, ComAcad students and paranormal experts Callen O’Brien, Nikko Raffael, Natalia Cervantes, and Jamaica Lopez created a documentary, “Rich: A Man of Few Words and Many Worlds,” investigating whether Rich is a vampire, reptilian, or alien. Convincing evidence was not found to prove the first two hypotheses, but the alien theory may be true. At the end of the film, Rich, dressed in a green fullbody rain suit, jumped up and blasted into space. This would be impossible if he were human, suggesting he has some sort of higher power. In only his freshman year, Drake student Oliver John is overwhelmed with sightings of Rich’s supernatural actions. “He may not seem very fast at times, but sometimes if you just look out of the corner of your eye, you can see him going at speeds up to 60 miles per hour, at least. That’s definitely a factor of what makes him so unique,” John said. This is absolutely groundbreaking information, considering Usain Bolt is supposedly the fastest human in the world with a maximum speed of 28mph, according to Business Insider. In 1986, Rich played for the Santa Rosa Senior Joseph Hawley’s encounters with Rich are just as bizarre. When Hawley is in close proximity to him, he tastes metal in his mouth, as if Rich is radioactive. Excessive radioactivity on campus is a serious safety hazard for students and faculty, and the school considered the installation of lead lining in classroom walls to block the radiation. In response to this claim, Rich stated, “That is absolutely true, considering I have a hip replacement.” This is quite a reasonable explanation; therefore, safety precautions will not be necessary. Rich’s versatile powers complicate the certainty of his true identity. When asked if the documentary revealed all his secrets, Rich calmly stated in his deep, baritone voice, “There’s quite a bit more.” Although the explanation behind Rich’s mystical activities remains unsolved, the unconditional love students have for Rich is unbounded across universes and galaxies. The only thing we are certain of is that Rich radiates positivity that lightens up everyone’s day. As “alien-specialist” Nikko Raffael says, Drake wouldn’t be the same without him. “Everybody likes Rich. There’s nobody he’ll that doesn’t like him at this school. It doesn’t matter if he’s an alien, always be one of us,” Raffael said.
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