dressing like I’m 15 years old? So I figured, maybe I would alter some things in my life, starting with my wardrobe (since any other change seemed like much more work). So I looked into how much it would cost to get some snazzy-looking ensembles — and holy shit! The steep price tags made me realize a change would be next to impossible. Turns out, my personal tastes had nothing to do with my predilection for fading punk shirts and ripped pants — it was my low standard of living that dictated my fashion this whole time! So much for self-exploration! This 20-minute reevaluation session concluded when another punk song lodged itself into my head. This time it was Dillinger Four’s, “A Floater Left with Pleasure in the Executive Washroom,” with the lyrics, “This isn’t what we want. This isn’t what we need. This is what we can afford!” And that’s why you should never criticize someone’s clothing choices unless you’re willing and able to subsidize a new wardrobe for them. OOPS! I JUST TOLD AN EDGY JOKE TO THE WORKPLACE DUD Everyone at my place of work knows they can’t have any fun with Henry, the workplace downer. Generally when everyone’s having a good time, and we see him coming, we’ll stop laughing and pretend to start working. Otherwise he’ll tell the boss that we’re humans who have souls and like to have fun sometimes. But here’s the thing: I didn’t know he was within earshot last Tuesday when I was swapping witticisms with other coworkers. And apparently Henry doesn’t like jokes about the former Pope’s corpse, the starting offensive line of the 1985 Chicago Bears, and a drunken night in the woods. So yeah, I have an appointment with HR in the morning. THIS YEAR, I AM COVERING ALL EXPENSES FOR MY DESTINATION BIRTHDAY PARTY AT THE BAR NEAR MY HOUSE! I wanted to sound cool and say, “I’m having a destination birthday party this year.” So yeah, I’m headed to the bar on University Boulevard that’s just south of Evans. Sure, I know there’s no cover anyway, but there is free happy hour spaghetti if you get there before 6 p.m. (and you buy a drink, which is not included in the “all expenses paid” part, because I have no money for that kind of thing). But I will be passing a flask around in the parking lot before we go inside, so that’s something. Anyway, you should come! 5 AND NOW THAT MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP, I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE ANOTHER BRIEF FORAY INTO MY PART-TIME CAREER AS A USED OUTDOOR FURNITURE SALESMAN This year, it appears as though my neighbors are sporting a fourpiece, dark brown wicker furniture set complete with floral-designed cushions. It has a love seat, two individual chairs and a coffee table. I’ve only seen them hanging out on this patio set a couple of times, so it is very lightly used. I’m asking for $100 so I can get some better quality drugs than I did last year (when I let the previous set go for $75; also, I need a good $20 to buy a bottle to pass around to folks in the parking lot before we go inside the bar by my house). If you are interested, meet me in the alley behind Cook Street and Wesley Avenue at precisely 3:16 a.m. this upcoming Sunday morning. I’ll be the one wearing all black and standing next to a very nice set of wicker furniture. I’ll also be accepting early birthday beers if you happen to have any in the fridge that you’re not going to drink. STACY PERALTA, NYC GARBAGE BIN - @PERALTASTACY
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