be causing people to feel on edge. Okay, I suppose I’ll stop. But believe me when I say this: I will be going for a proper walk when I’m done with my business here! WHY DON’T WRITERS LIVE STREAM THEIR WRITING SESSIONS? You know how podcasters live stream their episodes? I think writers should start doing that every time they sit behind a computer. Sure, most of the time, it would just be a person typing, and that’s not very exciting. But sometimes writers do things like walk in place at standing desks. And while that’s not super thrilling, it’s a tad more rousing than if they were just sitting there. For example, if I live streamed myself writing this paragraph, you would see me shifting my weight from one foot to the other. And you might think, Oh look, he’s getting exercise while fulfilling his obligations to the fine publication he writes for. Of course, if you said that at this particular moment, you’d be wrong. I do in fact have to use the restroom. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: GIVE A PERSON A PARTY AND THEY WILL GET DRUNK FOR A NIGHT. TEACH A PERSON TO PARTY AND THEY WILL BE DRUNK EVERY DAY I mean, think about it. MY COWORKER, WHO IS EXCITEDLY WATCHING ME WALK IN PLACE AS I WRITE THIS COLUMN, JUST INFORMED ME THAT NO ONE IN FACT SAYS THAT THING ABOUT TEACHING PEOPLE TO PARTY It’s rather nice having a live fact-checker in my midst. ANYONE WANT TO GET TOGETHER AND PANIC? Lately, I have been panicking by myself a lot. And I have to admit, I get real lonely. So I figured maybe I’d procure some seltzers and various finger foods and have myself a good old-fashioned panic party! We could sit in a circle and take turns naming things that horrify us — which wouldn’t be difficult in this day and age — and then we’ll straight up lose our shit! Or we could join forces and get some of that mass hysteria going. Either way, if you’re free this Saturday, come on over to my house. We’ll put on the news and have ourselves a proper panic. I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS: THOSE “EAT HEALTHY AND EXERCISE” PEOPLE ARE RIGHT So I have been exercising and eating a lot of fruits and vegetables lately, and I have to say, I feel so much better. To make matters worse, I haven’t been drinking as much, which also has a profoundly beneficial impact on my well-being. I know, I know — this is terrible news. I mean, why can’t we just party, not sleep, and eat deep-fried garbage all day and still feel good? I don’t know who dropped us party people off in this bullshit world, but I feel like some kind of cosmic mistake has been made. Anyway, as I embark upon this new, ultra-restrictive way of living, I can’t help but marvel at 1) how amazing I feel all the time, and 2) how much I really just want to get six orders of fries, buy a fifth of vodka and some uppers, and party until four in the morning. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY NEW HAIRCUT? Oh, I’m sorry. I keep forgetting that you can’t see me right now. In the future, I will be live streaming these columns. Then I can finally get some answers to questions like this. 11
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