instrument while all your peers learned important social skills, like how to not be awkward around people you find attractive? And could you please explain why you became a CPA and married a finance director so you could live in a big house in the suburbs and belong to posh country clubs, when you could have dropped out of college, covered your body with tattoos, and hung out in dingy dive bars?” But I don’t ask these questions, because I’m not a judgmental person. IN AN ATTEMPT TO DEFEND MY HONOR FROM THE BESMIRCHMENT HAPPENING BEFORE ME, I INADVERTENTLY PROVED HER POINT, THUS PERPETUATING THE VERY DEBASEMENT ON MY CHARACTER THAT I WAS STRIVING TO IMPEDE She referred to me as a snob, so I said, “Only a plebeian with an inchoate understanding of my sophisticated and carefully curated predilections would venture to denigrate a gentleman of my preeminent distinction.” That’s when she said, “Oh, go fuck yourself!” And, upon further contemplation, she was right to do so. I HOPE THE MOTORIST IN FRONT OF ME REALIZES HE SIMPLY DOES NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO TAKE A LEFT AT THIS INTERSECTION I have been sitting in my car on this particular part of the street for three complete light cycles as the guy driving the Ford Bronco idles with his left turn signal forever blinking. I have seen a trio of green lights come and go, and he has failed to even begin attempting a left turn at any point during this time. Now, I do understand that there is no left turn light at this point in the city grid. But he could do that thing where he inches out into the intersection and then guns it when the light turns yellow. But apparently, he has both unlimited time and patience to just kick it here until traffic dies down and he can safely pass through without the threat of a single other automobile coming anywhere near him in the opposing lane. It’s just too bad that some of us have places to be, which is why we were driving in the first place. I hope this anxiety pulsing through my veins eventually settles down as I make peace with the fact that I could very well be here for the rest of my life. I’M SURE GLAD CAPITALISM HAS FIGURED OUT A WAY TO CATER TO ALL MY SUGAR CRAVINGS Say what you will about the destructive nature of the free market system — including, but not limited to: exploitation of workers, ecological destruction, shamelessly sacrificing the health of our collective souls by monetizing everything pure in this world in order to appease the insatiable greed of the 1 percent, cynically keeping us addicted to the glowing boxes in our pockets instead of encouraging and nurturing the human connection that has sustained our species for over 200,000 years, reliance on a system based on endless growth on a planet with finite resources, usury, and any of us tolerating or taking seriously the existence of Elon Musk — but when I’m craving a variety of snack cakes, hard candies, and chocolate confections, you bet your ass capitalism has got me covered! I HAD AN “A-HA” MOMENT THE OTHER DAY WHEN I SANG “TAKE ON ME” AT KARAOKE Okay, I’ll be leaving now. JOSH KEYES, FRANK 5
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