of breath, muscle spasms, lightheadedness and/or loss of consciousness simply from being near Gloria during her fi nal moments. Five people were hospitalized for their symptoms, and Julie Gorchynski, that attending nurse? Well, this thing hit her like a truck. Over the next few months Julie allegedly developed apnea, pancreatitis, hepatitis and necrosis of the bone marrow in her legs, all of which seemed to be a direct result of the incident. Yeah. Holy shit is right. Sadly, Gloria would not survive the incident and, about an hour after she entered the hospital, became the only casualty of her bizarre illness The incident, understandably, got a lot of heat. Before you could say “mass hysteria,” poor Gloria’s picture was plastered on newspapers and conspiracy zines across the country, alongside that terrible nickname that made her sound like the title of a collaboration song between Santana and Michael Bublé. Doctors were baffl ed. They had what is known in the medical community as “a real doozy” on their hands. Nobody had ever seen anything like it and some shoddy handling of Gloria’s remains made a proper autopsy mostly impossible. Luckily, the internet eventually came along and everyone and their mum had theories. As you might expect these theories run the gamut from totally reasonable to “Paul! Stop yelling at the moon and come down off the roof! … We love you, Paul.” Was Gloria exhibiting the fi nal stages of some deadly and exotic new disease, or was this simply a case of mass hysteria? If the latter, then why the laundry list of diagnosable symptoms experienced by so many in attendance? Was she host of some violent extrasolar fungus? Or a secret government compound meant to weaponize her illness? Or was she just a very sick woman in the last throes of a long and arduous battle? Well, that all depends on how far you want to descend into the Gribblenet: that corner of the internet where the Dale Gribbles of the world collect to meditate on dangerous fringe theories and fold their tinfoil hats in peace. Fortunately, there were cooler heads on the case and some more rational answers emerged. Quite possibly even a solution. There is some evidence Gloria may have been using a compound known as dimethyl sulfoxide (DMSO), a powerful cleaning agent, to help manage her pain. Basically if you mix DMSO with other pharmaceuticals, you can apply them directly to your skin. Her family has staunchly denied this theory but it would explain a few things. The substance is sort of an oily gel, which could explain the sheen on Gloria’s skin. The DMSO could have been converted, say by an electric shock, into dimethyl sulfate, a very noxious gas. There is even some evidence linking those “manila-colored particles” in Gloria’s blood to kidney problems caused by the use of DMSO. Oh, and one more thing, the real kicker here, DMSO is marked by its distinct garlicky odor. So at the very least, Gloria may have earned some closure from those who were willing to look a little deeper into this truely bizarre case. And for the rest of us, we leave with a few valuable lessons. First of all, if you fi nd a lab coat in the back of your Lyft, LEAVE IT! Walk away! Being a doctor is strange and terrifying and you never know when one of your patients is gonna go full Fukushima on you. Medical practice is best left to professionals. To that note, don’t slather yourself in chemicals unless instructed to do so by a trained physician or accredited mad scientist. And lastly, but certainly not leastly, you really need to get a cell phone, Dr. Grimaldi, because I ate some expired peach yogurt last night and now I think I might be developing red/ green colorblindness. Also, is it possible for a person’s hair to grow back into their head? Because I’ve been taking some measurements and — Hey! HEY! Don’t you dare stop reading, Grimaldi. DR. GRIMALDI! GET BACK HERE! I’M JUST GONNA CALL TRISHA!!! Have questions about the paranormal? Send them to: werewolfradarpod@gmail.com | Twitter: @WerewolfRadar. It’s a big, weird world. Don’t be scared. Be Prepared. 3
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