by Julianna Beckert Q: A: How do I heal my inner child and accept myself? Woah. This is a big one. The answer could take many sessions of therapy to uncover the wounds of your child-self and reveal how this affects you as the person you are today. But there are some small actions you can take right now to start on a path to self-love. The first thing is to recognize and understand why you’re like this. You act like you do because with every painful experience you’ve ever endured, you developed a mechanism to keep yourself safe from getting hurt exactly like that again. You didn’t even do it on purpose. It’s just part of how our body and mind work together to avoid danger. You developed ways to control the situation, but I’m sorry to tell you, control is an illusion. You may ingest substances to control the way you feel (or don’t feel). You may agree to do things you don’t really want to do, just to be certain everyone still likes you — to control your status. You may work yourself to the bone so that you can feel worthy to take up space — again, controlling status. The truth is, we have no right nor ability to control other people’s feelings about us. That belongs to them. What we CAN control is our own thoughts, feelings and responses to the world around us. Next time you find yourself saying, doing, or thinking something that feels icky, this is your signal. For example, I recently found myself being a little fake and pushing to make disingenuous conversation, triggered by a coworker being a little more quiet than usual. I proceeded to dive into a depressive negativity spiral, wallowing in insecurity and mean self-talk. When you notice something is off like this, ask yourself, Why did I do that? What’s going on? Approach yourself with curiosity rather than judgement. If you dig down, you’ll likely find that you did that cringy thing to protect yourself. In my childhood home, someone not speaking was sometimes followed by an angry outburst. My response to my coworker’s silence was a feeling of unease rooted in this deep wonder of Are they mad? Am I in trouble? My inner child was working hard to validate this concern so I could then work to control it and be safe. My childhood was painting a color on the situation that wasn’t even there. Turns out my coworker was quiet because of something that was going on in her personal life that had nothing to do with me. Recognizing what mechanisms you’re bringing into a situation gives you the ability to now make different choices. Instead of being mad at yourself, you can thank yourself (your inner child) for trying so hard and being so diligent about protecting you. Say: “Thank you for protecting me, but I’ve got this one.” Be kind to yourself, and be kind to others. We’re all just hurt animals trying to figure it out. Visit monkeymindful.com to submit your question or find transformational workshops and coaching sessions. No. 136
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