ringing in my ears. So no thank you to either.” like that. I AM ALONE AND UNLOVEABLE, AND OTHER ADVENTURES IN MODERN DATING When you’re texting a new crush, and she doesn’t text back right away, do you overanalyze every word and overthink every negative way she could interpret the text you sent? And you admonish yourself for being an awkward idiot who doesn’t deserve love and will die miserable and alone. And then when she finally responds with “lol” or a heart, you finally relax and realize you should stop blowing everything out of proportion, because it’s just so taxing — and really, you don’t deserve to be treated the way you treat yourself sometimes. But then you send another text that isn’t returned right away, and you once again panic. Over and over. And over again. Has that ever happened to you? I DON’T WEAR ALL BLACK BECAUSE I’M SAD, I DO IT BECAUSE I’M MESSY Well, you wonder why I always dress in black. Why you never see bright colors on my back? I do it because I can’t seem to keep food on the fork when I’m eating. I also have issues drinking — not with alcohol, mind you — but with delivering liquids safely from the cup into my mouth. Then there’s ink, blood, wet paint, grass, etc. I’ve been stained by just about everything. And since I’ve been involved with the punk scene for decades, I’ve always had a very close proximity to black clothing. As such, I soon realized that if I just donned darkness from head to toe, no one would know that I am, at all times, a mess. I’m pretty smart WHAT IS TODAY AGAIN? Hey, does anyone remember what day it is? I lost track at some point. Yeah, I know I could look at my phone, but I was hoping you knew it off the top of your head so you could just tell me. No, I don’t care what the date is. I’m more interested in the day of the week. I feel like it should be Tuesday or Wednesday, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Thursday. What? Monday? Are you kidding me? Holy shit, it’s going to be a long week. THE ODDS THAT I EXIST ON THIS PLANET ARE SO INFINITESIMALLY SMALL, IT’S A MIRACLE I’M EVEN HERE. ALSO, I AM BORED The fact that my ancestors lived long enough to reproduce, the chance that all of them even met each other to begin with, the even smaller odds that the exact sperm met the exact egg demonstrates that I shouldn’t even be here. And that’s not even mentioning how extremely rare it is that life exists on this planet — much less on any planet in this universe. Every human being, every plant and animal — it’s amazing that anything or anyone is here at all! But of course, once the novelty of this train of thought wears off, I can’t help but slip back into my normal day-to-day routine, which is both difficult and soul-crushingly boring. I work, eat, sleep and repeat. Nothing excites me. Yeah, it’s a near miracle I’m even here, but what has life done for me lately? I’m going to go get drunk. 23 PHOTO BY ZAC DUNN
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