seven men (in various states of fabrication) BEST OF BIRDY 066 BY JASON HELLER I: HORACE Horace was horrified of humans. But he understood, as so few were able, how vital the species was in keeping down the surging population of insects. He was, in fact, just as frightened of bugs as he was of people — and nothing thrilled him more than secretly aiding his two unwitting nemeses to wage certain yet civil genocide on each other. To that end, Horace had spent every waking moment of his post-graduate life striving toward two objectives. First: engineering a catastrophic pandemic virus to be transmitted to the human race via insect bites and venomous eggs laid in mass-produced foodstuffs and pharmaceuticals. Second: formulating a commercial bug spray that would cause exponential, excruciating, sexually transmitted fatalities among the insect populace. He tinkered in his lab for decades before perfecting both; the day he succeeded, he celebrated by taking a long bath in aftershave lotion and masturbating with a fistful of Saran Wrap. The following morning, like a general charging into battle atop a great warhorse, a spent yet refreshed Horace straddled his Exercycle and switched on CNN, keeping his eyes peeled for the first faint inkling of his imminent global cleansing. No. 135 “Uh, say that again?” Zak stared at his shoes, swallowed a burp. “I pissed in her sink.” “And that’s why she broke up with you?” “Pretty much, yeah.” Jeff laughed so hard he spit a little. “You dumb fuck. What the hell were you thinking?” “I wasn’t thinking,” said Zak, as if that explained everything. “I was casting a spell.” “Oh, man. That is too much.” Jeff grabbed another beer from the cooler and pointed it at Zak. “Look, you need help. You can’t just go around pissing in people’s sinks. And you especially can’t tell people that pissing in their sink is some kind of magic. You didn’t tell her that, did you?” “Well, no. Not at first. I mean, I did eventually. I had to tell her something, right?” “Yeah, but … the truth?” Zak shrugged. “The truth was the only thing I could think of.” “Wow, man. That’s really deep. Christ.” The two leaned back in their lawn chairs on Jeff’s balcony and drank in the II: ZAK
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