again in the first place is because I miss human contact and am afraid of dying alone. So yeah, it’s a real bummer of a situation. SOMETIMES WHEN YOU START FEELING BETTER AFTER A LONG BOUT OF DEPRESSION, YOU STOP RELATING TO YOUR FELLOW DEPRESSED FRIENDS WHO HELPED YOU THROUGH IT For a solid eight months, my life kind of went to shit. I encountered so many extremely sad and transformational incidents, and I just sort of lost all hope in my own future on this planet. As a result, I became embittered, and sought the company of others who viewed the world through the same prism of despair. And when I found them, they helped so much. It was comforting to commiserate with like-minded souls who found life as disappointing as I did. But then I started feeling better. And good things started happening to me. Soon enough, I didn’t relate to my sad friends as much as I used to. And they started getting frustrated about my lighter outlook on life. And then we all realized we were suddenly incompatible, which is too bad. There are very few times in life where a good mood is a betrayal, but this is one of those situations. And I do have to say, I definitely understand why they're all disappointed in me. If one of them got better before I did, I would resent them too. That said, I’m glad it was me who got better. THAT DOG JUST SMILED AT ME! I was on a walk recently doing what I always do — attempting to process the constant stream of bad news and heartbreak — when I saw a dog on his walk. At first, he seemed very concentrated on his immediate surroundings; he was definitely a dog on a mission. But then he saw me, and the sides of his mouth curved upwards, and he started wagging his tail. I couldn’t believe how good this made me feel. Instantly, I was transported out of the negative prison of my mind, and I allowed myself to be excited about life for a few moments. I believe my inner monologue was something like, No matter how terrible things get, at least there are dogs in this bullshit world! Everything seemed a lot lighter after that. I FEEL LIKE WE ALL HAVE THAT FRIEND, WHO, IF THEY WERE TO GIVE UP ON LIFE, NOBODY WOULD KNOW Don’t get me wrong, I envy dudes who never shave or comb their hair and wear sweatpants and stained t-shirts all the time, but if they ever went through a bout of depression, I would most definitely miss the most obvious signs. These are the same friends who are already prone to existentially dark outlooks and are always ready to offer the most depressing take whenever the discussion changes topics. So I would definitely have to wait for them to self-report any negative changes in their demeanor. Otherwise, I would just be like, “Killer sweatpants, Sam,” like I always do. DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, A HILL OF BEANS IS ACTUALLY QUITE VALUABLE As someone who eats many beans, I have to say, I’m not sure where the expression, “... doesn’t amount to a hill of beans,” came from. If someone were to give me a hill of beans, I would say, “Thank you for this entire hill of beans. Perhaps I will freeze half of them so they don’t go bad too quickly, because this is a very valuable gift that you have bestowed upon me.” Then I would make some nachos with the unfrozen half. 9
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