ISSUE 132 | DECEMBER 2024 PETE KORNOWSKI, CREATURE IN THE ALLEY KITSUNEBI: KRYSTI JOMÉI BUMBLE: JONNY DESTEFANO HOLLOW ASSASSIN: JULIANNA BECKERT OTSO: KAYVAN S. T. KHALATBARI CAT BAYUN: CRISTIN COLVIN BARMANU SPUD: MARK MOTHERSBAUGH SELKIE: MEGAN ARENSON FRONT COVER: JONATHAN DODD, WENDIGO - BEST OF BIRDY 118 @JONATHANDODD_DRAWS BACK COVER: DAVE DANZARA, YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT @LOSTINTIMEDESIGNS ACID DOGS: JONATHAN DODD, PETE KORNOWSKI, ROB GINSBERG, DAN MORAN, JOEL TAGERT, ERIC JOYNER, BRIAN POLK, NOAH VAN SCIVER, ZAC DUNN, HANA ZITTEL, JOSH KEYES, RAY YOUNG CHU, NATE BALDING, MALLORY HART, TOM MURPHY, DANIEL CROSIER, DAVE DANZARA WOOKIES: IMAN JOY EL SHAMI, JEFF LAGRECA, DAN HARTMAN, CHARLES INGRAM, ELISA SARGENT, KEVIN WALTZ SOOT SPRITES: MARIANO OREAMUNO, HANA ZITTEL, DS THORNBURG, PHIL GARZA, ZAC DUNN, MAGGIE D. FEDOROV, CRISTIN COLVIN, CONRAD FRANZEN, MARTY MANDRESH, LISA EBERHARTER SUPPORT OUR FRIENDS & BENEFACTORS: MEOW WOLF, ASTRO TOURS, MONKEY BARREL, MUTINY INFORMATION CAFE, OFF THE BOTTLE REFILL SHOP, CARNIVAL OF CURIOSITIES, WAX TRAX, BENNY BLANCO'S, TOXOPLASMA ARTS FOLLOW US – IG: @BIRDY.MAGAZINE | FB: @BIRDYMAGAZINE BE IN BIRDY – ART + WORDS + COMEDY + ET CETERA: BIRDYMAGAZINE.COM/SUBMISSIONS MAILED SUBSCRIPTIONS + BACK ISSUES + MERCH: BIRDYMAGAZINE.COM/SHOP ADVERTISE IN BIRDY + SUPPORT US + HELP BIRDY GROW: BIRDYMAGAZINE.COM/CONTACT-US BIRDY IS A 20-SIDED DIE, HIT POINTS MONTHLY ©2024 BIRDY MAGAZINE, A PLACE BOTH WONDERFUL & STRANGE ROB GINSBERG (D.A.S.A.), THE DEVOLVED GRINCH ROBGINSBERG.COM
MYTHICAL CREATUROLOGIST HOLIDAY EDITION ART + WORDS BY IMAN JOY EL SHAMI WILD THING Though the book is undoubtedly magical, Spike Jonze's film rendition is chock-full of beautiful visuals and music, and great actors and voice talents. Carol (an impulsive Wild Thing): “And on our way ... I can show you your kingdom. This is all yours. You're the owner of this world. Everything you see is yours. Oh, except that hole over there, that's Ira's. The tree's yours, but the hole is Ira's. But everything else is yours. Except for that rock over there, that's not yours. That little rock next to the big rock. But everything else in the kingdom ... except for that stick. That little stick right there, that's not yours. I want you to be king forever, Max.” Max: “Yeah, definitely.” MR. HANKEY Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo is the ninth episode of the first season of South Park created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, originally airing on Comedy Central on December 17, 1997. The Jewish character Kyle feels excluded from the town's celebrations during Christmas and is comforted by Mr. Hankey, a talking and singing lump of feces wearing a red hat. The character was based on an idea Parker's father created when he was toilettraining Trey as a child, who refused to flush the toilet. His father told him if he did not flush down his stool, which he called "Mr. Hankey," it would come to life and kill him. “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo” was the first Christmas-themed South Park episode, the first musical episode, and the only episode in season one — or the first time in the series — in which Kenny does not die. SALACIOUS B. CRUMB Salacious B. Crumb was a Kowakian monkey-lizard who worked as a jester in the court of the crime lord Jabba Desilijic Tiure during the Galactic Civil War. Known for his shrill laughter, Crumb kept his master amused until his death during the rescue of Han Solo by members of the Alliance to Restore the Republic. Crumb's association with Jabba began when the thief stowed away on the Hutt's starship and was found and captured by the Twi'lek Bib Fortuna. Jabba struck up a unique deal with the monkey-lizard: If Crumb could amuse Jabba at least once a day, he would be allowed to eat and drink as much as he pleased; if he failed, however, he would be slain. Crumb lived in this manner for over a dozen standard years, and henceforth sat beside Jabba to mercilessly tease and imitate captives, amusing his master greatly with his mimicry and laughter. IMAN JOY EL SHAMI-MADER RESIDES IN ITALY WHERE SHE HAS ILLUSTRATED THOUSANDS OF MYTHICAL CREATURES AND COUNTING THAT SPAN HUNDREDS OF COUNTRIES, TIME PERIODS AND ARTIFICIAL BORDERS. EACH BEASTIE IS ACCOMPANIED WITH HISTORICAL, CULTURAL AND LEGENDARY BACKGROUND. No. 132 BEST OF BIRDY 072
CAGA TI The Tió de Nadal (Christmas Log), or simply Tió (Trunk or Log) or Tronca (Log), is a character in Catalan mythology relating to a Christmas tradition widespread in Catalonia and some regions of Aragon, Spain. The Tió is a hollow log roughly 30 centimetres long. Its stick legs, painted face, red barretina and nose were added only recently, altering the more traditional and rough appearance of dead wood. On Christmas Day or Eve, a family puts the Tió partly into the fireplace or under their tree and orders it to defecate. They do so by beating the log with sticks while singing various songs of Tió de Nadal. Before this occurs all children must leave the room to pray, asking for the Tió to deliver a lot of presents (today, they usually just leave to warm their sticks by a fire). Relatives then place presents under the Tió's blanket. The Three Wise Men traditionally bring larger gifts but the Tió "drops" candies, nuts, turróns, sometimes dried figs, and small toys. As a communal experience, everyone shares these presents. The Tió is popularly called Caga Tió (Shitting log or Poo log). SLIMER Slimer (also known as Onionhead, Little Spud or The Green Ghost) is a ghost made up of pure Ectoplasm and the first successfully captured by the Ghostbusters. The ghoul is well known for his gigantic appetite and the slime he leaves behind when he passes through solid objects. Throughout the first film (which takes place during the holidays), Slimer appears to lack intelligence, comes across as shy and only cares about snacks. In the second movie he can drive a bus, and his ability to understand human concepts has continued to grow in the video game and cartoon. Slimer is classified as a focused, Non-Terminal Repeating Phantasm, or a Class 5 Full Roaming Vapor. And a real nasty one at that. NUUTTIPUKKI Nuuttipukki was the traditional guest during St. Knut's Day. The creature was a man dressed up to look frightening, especially to children. The tradition's source is believed to be the lore of the Sámi, the indigenous Finno-Ugric people, who featured a goat-horned figure for centuries. In early January groups of mostly young adult men would dress in threadbare clothes and furs worn inside-out, donning a pair of horns and a mask made from leather, wood bark or paper. They went around to their neighbors' homes demanding beer and drinking it in copious amounts, singing rowdy songs and playing pranks if the hosts were stingy. The hosts stayed entertained by trying to guess who their guests were. Nuutti's Day was also known as Yeast-nuutti or dregs-nuutti as the beer barrels would have been almost empty at this point in Christmas celebrations. The celebrants believed their dead relatives would visit on Christmas but would need to be evicted after the festivities. Wearing a disguise was the best way for the living to avoid angering the deceased. The tradition is still alive in areas of Satakunta, Southwest Finland and Ostrobothnia. SEE MORE OF IMI'S CREATURES & LEARN THEIR STORIES ON: INSTAGRAM: @MYTHICAL.CREATUROLOGIST | X: @IMIJOYELMADER 3
DAN MORAN, SCHOOL IN THE SNOW
KITSUNE Early in spring Yama-uba fell sick with a fever. One morning, after a terrible night in which she thought she might die, she woke to hear the crying of a child. Startled, she sat up, looking around with alarm. “Who’s there?” she called hoarsely. The only answer was more crying. “Hell and death, child,” she cursed, fighting her way to standing, damp with sweat beneath her crude patchwork robe. When she moved, her little pet mouse, Kyojin, scampered from the blankets and sought shelter behind a box. Yama-uba tottered over to the door, lifted the rope latch and looked with astonishment at her visitor. Her sole visitor: for the child was alone, a little topknotted boy in a beautiful green kimono embroidered with a pattern of interlocking yellow snakes. His face was red and streaked with tears; he might have been two. Breath hitching, he looked up with big wet eyes. Yama-uba peered out, but saw no one in the rain-wet forest. “Hello?” she called, loudly as she was able. But no one answered, and her visitor only sniffled wetly at her inquiries. He appeared in rosy health, and his attire bespoke wealth and position. But what was he doing out here in the forest? Finally she stepped aside. “Well, come in then. You can’t just stay out there in the cold.” Thinking of the boy’s comfort rather than her own, Yama-uba built a little fire and put on the last of her rice. When she offered it, the toddler ate eagerly. If she died of her illness, she reflected, he would not long survive her. No, the boy needed to get home; she would have to take him to Nagiso-cho, a tiny hamlet a full day’s walk east through the valley. “I hope you’re rested,” she told her guest, “because I can’t carry you.” She wasn’t sure she could make it a mile, in fact. Her head swam as she gathered a gourd of water, two cooked yams that were the last of her food, and her leather satchel, with its herbs and poultices, charms and sewing needle. She also found the mouse, Kyojin, and put him into the deep pocket of her sleeve, where he often traveled. The boy sat quietly until she had made all ready and wrapped a blanket around him. Snow still lay in the shadows, but the rain was melting it away, the clouds deep and shimmering like abalone. In fact she felt a bit better now they were outside, invigorated by the cool air, green scents and cheery birdsong. She walked and walked, begging this last boon from her ancient tendons, the boy scampering across the fallen trees and dirty snow. But it was far, too far. Too soon the fever had returned in force, every cell insisting she cease her struggle; but she set one foot in front of the other, and the other. Just after the sunset the boy tugged her hand. She jerked her head up, disoriented, having dozed even as she walked, lost in sweat and pain. Already dusk, and where was the village? Not here! Stupidly, she stared around at the unvarying dark ranks of the pines. Where had she led them? Or – since she had been half-conscious – where had the boy led her? He tugged her sleeve and raised one hand to his ear as if listening, and the slow, breathy voice of a bamboo flute wound its way between the trees. The boy pulled away, heading toward the melody. “All right, I hear it.” She stumbled after him, panting. The boy ran fast though, and soon was just a flash of green and yellow darting between the black trunks. “Wait!” It didn’t matter; ahead was the source of the music, a large, graceful BY JOEL TAGERT building with others behind it, with curved eaves and windows of gold-lit paper. She just glimpsed the boy slide open the front door and run inside, where he was greeted by a man’s excited cries. With the last of her strength she made it to the steps and slowly slumped to her side. Yet she woke again, when she had not expected it, and in a comfortable bed, with a man of middle age beside her. He was of medium height and slender, with silver hair pulled back in a topknot, a thin face, long nose, and sharp eyes. He too was well-dressed, in a black kimono printed, like his son’s, with small gold serpents. “You’re awake,” he said. “I’m Izanagi. Feeling better?” “Actually I am, yes.” It was true: there was a new ease in her limbs. “Excellent. Thank you, first, for returning my son to me. He has wandered off before, but never so far from home. I’m afraid the journey must have been difficult. Can I get you some tea, or something to eat?” Yama-uba shook her head. “I fear my stomach won’t take food. But please, hand me that gourd.” She pointed to her bag, which was in the corner. “It has some medicinal tea.” “You’re sure?” Izanagi raised an eyebrow, handing it to her. “You don’t want something hot? Some miso soup?” “Perhaps in the morning.” She took a drink and sat up a little against the wall. “Tell me, what is this place? I don’t know how I never heard of it.” “This is my home, naturally. We’re quiet people, and don’t often entertain. You’re the first guest we’ve had in weeks. When you’re ready, I can show you around.” She considered. “Do you know, I think I would like that. I feel amazingly better.” She swung her legs over the side of the bed and they went outside, Izanagi taking the oil lamp with him. There were several small buildings, and a dimly glimpsed garden, and then they entered the main hall. It was the picture of comfort, with beautiful paintings, precise woodwork, and a separate dining room. “I suppose I should let you go to bed,” Izanagi said finally. “But first let me ask, since you are feeling better: Would you be interested in a game? It needn’t take long.” He gestured at a small table, where a board was set up for go. She shook her head. “I’m no good at such strategy.” He pursed his lips. “Well, how about a different game? Sometimes I like to play what I call ‘the choosing game.’ We each present the other with a choice between two things; you just have to choose the right one. The winner of each round presents the next choice. We’ll play best three out of five.” “Are there stakes?” “Of course, otherwise it would be no fun. If you win, you leave with treasure and health. If I win, you keep me company here. What do you say?” She frowned, considering. “Very well. But who goes first?” “We’ll draw for it.” He put two coins, one square, one round, in a teacup, and raised it up. She chose square, but drew round; so Izanagi went first. He moved the go board and they sat at the table to play. To her surprise, he simply set the two coins on the table’s wood surface. “The square buys a bottle of sake; the round buys an ounce of willow bark. Now tell me, which would a man choose – say, your husband?” She looked at the two coins, glinting silver in the lamplight. “The round one,” she said finally. Izanagi shook his head apologetically, with a little smile. “No, I’m afraid not.” She looked at him sharply, and realized he was correct. For had not her 7 5 BEST OF BIRDY 060
husband Eishun continued drinking, even when their precious daughter, Kinuko, had been sick with fever, in need of just such medicine? Izanagi swept the coins off the table, and replaced them carefully with two locks of hair, each bound with green thread. “One lock is from a fawn’s tail; the other from a young girl. Which is the girl’s?” Both were light brown, and both soft and fine as could be beneath Yamauba’s fingertips. Finally she raised the left, which she perceived was a little softer. “This one.” Her host smiled, and his teeth were small and sharp. “No, no. That’s just fawn’s hair.” Tears came to Yama-uba’s eyes. Hadn’t she stroked Kinuko’s hair a hundred, a thousand, ten thousand times? How could she have forgotten it? Her daughter had been everything to her; after Kinuko had died, with her husband deep in drink, Yama-uba had fled to the forest. “Two for me so far,” Izagami said. “Here’s the third.” From his robes he took out two small ivory snuff boxes. He took the top off each and set them on the table. “Tell me, which has the true scent of emptiness?” Emptiness has no scent, she almost said; but that would have forfeited the game, she was sure. Instead she lifted a box to her nose. It did not contain snuff, but what she thought was a bit of sand. It smelled of the waves, salt and seaweed. Well, that could be it: certainly the ocean was vast and empty. The second contained a bit of charred ironwood; and without conscious volition she was transported to the night her mother was cremated. Afterward she had walked along the river and looked up at the stars, thinking nothing at all. A sense of peace filled her with the memory, which she had forgotten all these years. “It’s this one,” she said. Izanagi gave a single nod, clearly disappointed. “Now it’s my turn,” she said. From her bag she withdrew one of the yams, while from her sleeve she withdrew Kyojin, setting both on the table. “Listen carefully. Everyone knows that foxes always lie, while honorable men tell the truth. Now, if you were a fox playing this game, which would you choose to eat?” Izanagi licked his lips, eyes flicking between yam, mouse and questioner. “The mouse,” he answered finally. “No,” she replied. “You have lied, and lost. The fox in the story must choose the yam, because that is a lie; an honorable man, knowing this, would answer ‘yam’ also. But knowing this, you have lied about the fox’s lie, and so revealed yourself as a fox.” “Even so,” said Izanagi, and with a flashing hand, seized the mouse and stuffed it into his mouth. Blood trickled down his chin, his eyes wild. “One last contest.” “I will need some hot water.” He scowled. “Fine.” He got up and lit a small brazier by the dining area and set a kettle upon it. “Have you always been a fox?” she asked. “No. Once I was a teacher, but I led a student astray, and they killed themselves. This is my punishment.” When the water was ready, she made tea from ingredients in her satchel, showing each to Izanagi. “Now, say your old student is here. The dark tea will excite your appetite and your strength; the light tea offers liberation from your past. How will you instruct them?” For a long time the fox spirit, the kitsune, sat looking at her. In a slow, graceful movement, he lifted a cup to his lips. Afterward Yama-uba lay down and slept. She awoke in a dank hole in the earth, with many old bones and the body of a silver fox beside her. Fever broken, she crawled toward the opening and emerged into the sunlit spring. No. 60No. 132
ERIC JOYNER, PARTY BOUND - BEST OF BIRDY 094 - ERICJOYNER.COM And Other Observations About Life’s Retreat From Sanity BY BRIAN POLK Do You Ever Feel Like You And Happiness Used To Be In A Relationship, But A While Back, You Agreed To Stop Seeing Each Other? Because that’s what it feels like for me. It’s as though we used to be great together, but then some questionable situations began to occur. For example, happiness would make me think it was going to be there forever, and then it would randomly disappear for a couple of weeks without any explanation. And when I would see it again, it wouldn’t offer any excuses as to why it was gone. It would just say, “I’m back. Aren’t you glad to see me?” And of course I was. In fact, I was so overjoyed to finally see happiness again that I wouldn’t ask it any questions about its absence. But then it would start to retreat No. 132 more often, and for longer periods of time. And when it began leaving for years at a stretch, I had no choice but to confront it. I said, “Where have you been, happiness? It’s been miserable without you.” And all happiness said was, “You’re smothering me. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” In an attempt to save face, I replied, “Fine. Then go!” That was two years ago, and I still find myself missing it from time to time. I Bet If I Opened A Hotcakes Shop, It Wouldn’t Be As Successful As A Certain Popular Expression Has Led Me To Believe I’m not sure who came up with the saying, “selling like hotcakes,” but I
bet even if I opened a restaurant that made the best hotcakes the world has ever tasted, they still wouldn’t “sell like hotcakes.” They’d probably sell more like pancakes, which, if all the Village Inn closings over the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that pancakes don’t sell all that well. Maybe we could update the expression to something more accurate, like “selling like marijuana edibles.” Of course, while that may have been true in 2014 when recreational dispensaries first opened, a lot of pot shops have closed in recent years due to falling demand — mainly because neighboring states started legalizing cannabis. I suppose if the housing shortage is any indication, we could probably say, “selling like houses.” But that’s kind of depressing to think about, since many of us will never be homeowners. Plus, I can’t really open a restaurant or store that sells houses — unless I were Sears, Roebuck & Co. back in the early 20th century, which I am not. I guess it’s back to the drawing board as far as opening a profitable shop is concerned. Back In My 20s, I Would Never Drink And Drive, But I Was Sure Grateful For My Friends Who Did I had a strong policy against driving drunk when I was younger, but I was always glad when I had a friend who simply didn’t give a shit. Quite often after the bar would close, one of my drinking chums would ask, “Can I get a ride home?” And I would say, “No, I’m ditching my car. I’ll pick it up tomorrow, since I’ve had too much to drink tonight.” And they would respond, “Would you mind if I drove?” And I would say, “Nope. Let’s go.” And so we went. Of course, I don’t do this anymore. Now that I’ve matured, I just drunkenly take one of those scooters home. Sometimes When Your Life Is Falling Apart, And You Work In The Service Industry, A Customer Will Come To You With The Pettiest Problem You’ve Ever Heard Of, And You Have No Words To Describe The Depths Of Your Disbelief, Anger, Or Pity “I had to wait almost a minute for service,” they’ll tell you in the tone of the whiners. And you’ll look at them and think, Who could possibly give a shit about that? A minute? Do you not realize that my personal life is turning to shit? That I may never find love again? That there is no contentment in this shitty job and I’m just doing it to pay my bills on time? And for the love of fuck, I’m not even going to mention that the very environment that sustains us is dangling by a thread, and there’s no bright future for any of us. And you want to talk to me about having to wait 60 seconds? That must have been the worst fucking thing that has ever happened in your shitty, pathetic little life. But in the interest of self-preservation, you just say, “Would you like to speak with a manager?” And of course you hope they say yes, since you don’t want to deal with them, because the amount of contempt you’ve allowed to build in your head would get you fired in an instant if it were vocalized. [Deep breath.] “No, a manager isn’t necessary? Okay then, have a nice day.” Thomas Wolfe Was Right When He Said, “You Can’t Go Home Again.” I Tried To Go To My Childhood Home, And There Were Other People Living There And when they saw me trying to get inside, they said, “You can’t come in here!” And I said wistfully, “Isn’t that the truth?” 9
BEST OF BIRDY 015 No. 132
11
No. 132
BREATH OV THE RED KEAP AS A TOWER once again prepares To raise a new banner and declare another Age of ideology and standard we shall know And honor in our respect for each other Is not a book that we can allow PROFANE FOOLS TO PEN … as SCRIBES of OLD told tales of GOD and PROPHETS who spoke TRUTH … yet the VERSION that became CANNON BALLS of truth that crash through enemy vessels DECKS … were more often crafted in HEARTS SO DARK AND CANDLE LIT PLACES THAT MOLD AND GRIME OF TIME HELD FIRM AND CORRECTLY MONKS thought only of the NOW before them. Some took to the plow and other to EVIL THAT THEY SOWED SEEDS TO HIDE BEHIND HEDGES AND TATTERED BOOK EDGES … for TRUTH is only of use when a BOOK IS AVAILABLE to CAST AT ANYONE … JUSTICE JUST US? JUST US! JUST US. WE CANNOT BREATHE OR FEED OUR BROOD TO KNOW an EVIL SERPENT LOOMS The system that says YAY or NAY ... is a self-feeding machine of SLAVERY … THE CHICKEN AND THE EGG … cannot be UNDONE IF WE CREATE CURRENCY ENSLAVING HUMANS FOR A PROFIT AND PRETEND THIS IS FAITH … WE STEP INTO THE DARK SIDE AND BLINDLY EAT THE HOT COAL THAT WE COUGH AND VOMIT LAVA CHUNKS THAT HURT US MORE THAN THOSE LEFT TO DODGE THEM … BUT … Roger ROGER BING BING and BAM BAM and KIMMY CHØPZ MAXIM IDIOMzzzz ov NOA grow KAMz UNDER STRANGER POWERS and Boots we stomp our FIRES and RAG NAW RAWK MAXKLAW GRAVA LOXXX OV SUPREME VIC 314 7:03 am hod NYC OGE LET GO! The hot coal you hold Holds you too And its fear is a fire that singes Our edges as we gaze into the blaze SO LET GO And know to let the FEAR and coal fall like a cold seed to earth below and spring in JOY NOT FEAR AS A TREE GROWS ALWAYS WITH RINGS THAT SING THE SONG OF THE FAMILY AND TOUCH STONES OVERTURNED BY THE PROFANE ONLY TO FILL BUCKETS WITH HOPES AND DREAMS AS WE SHUFFLE UNDER STARRY SKIES TO CARRY THE WATER OR FIRE OR KILL WE SHARE WITH THOSE WHO CARRY THE WEIGHT AND SIT AT OUR FIRE SO LET GO! And grow branches that reach for the heavens like SNOW crushing trees as AVALANCHES that remember only the stone teeth of DOLOMITES ROCKS ARE HARD WE ARE SOFT OUR HEARTS ARE A MIX WE TAKE AND CAST OFF IN LOFTY AMBITIOUS ACTS THAT ATTRACTS PASSION AND PREY AS WE CIRCLE THE STONES AND SPARK THE FIRE TO LIFT THE VEIL OF DARKNESS TO WELCOME OUR LIGHT WE SHARE 314 OGE IZU 8:36 HOD NYC FOLLOW FOR MORE: TUMBLR: @SAVAGESNEVERSLEEPNYC INSTAGRAM: @UZIEGO by Zac Dunn
Vanishing Treasures: A Bestiary of Extraordinary Endangered Creatures by Katherine Rundell (2024) “These things — everlasting flight, a self-galvanizing heart, a baby who learns names in the womb — sound like fables we tell children. But it’s only that the real world is so startling that our capacity for wonder, huge as it is, can barely skim the edges of the truth.” In Katherine Rundell’s newest collection of essays, we are invited to traverse the globe and venture through time to explore 22 of Earth’s endangered species. Matched with a history of how they came to fall on the endangered species list, each of Rundell’s essays highlights the true magic of living things. The Greenland shark slowly moves through the depths of the ocean, some believed to be six centuries old. The raccoon was once a White House pet. Rebecca the raccoon was kept by Calvin Coolidge and left to run free causing mischief while wearing an embroidered collar. The bizarre beauty of the giraffe has confounded humans for ages, who have layered on mystical explanations for how it could come to be, the Roman poet Horace believing it a “a “hybrid monster … half camel, half leopard.” While Rundell spins these enchanting stories of the strange beauty around us, it is very clear that the largest threat to their fragile existence is humanity. She ends her collection with a 23rd animal, The Human. “The greatest lie that humans ever told is that the Earth is ours, and at our disposal. It’s a lie with the power to destroy us all.” Vanishing Treasures is a snapshot of the unimaginable and astonishing beings roaming throughout our world, ones whose beauty is quickly being snuffed out. Rundell’s collection serves as a bestiary and a call to action, to save these creatures while we still can and preserve the singular magic they each bring to life on Earth. Katherine Rundell is the author of many wonderful children’s books. Her previous release, Impossible Creatures, was named the Waterstones Book of the Year in 2023. Dog Days by Keum Suk Gendry-Kim, Translated by Janet Hong (2024) Keum Suk Gendry-Kim, 2020 Harvey Award winning author of Grass, reflects on her personal relationship with dogs in her latest graphic novel release, Dog Days. To aid with the grief Gendry-Kim’s partner is experiencing after the death of his grandmother, he decides to adopt a dog from their local pet store. The nervous Carrot, a Welsh corgi, joins their family and starts to win over Gendry-Kim’s heart after the inevitable bumpy start of raising an anxious puppy. The couple decides to move to the country from Seoul to provide more space for Carrot and to ease his anxiety. There they are met with a shift in the cultural perception of dogs. Soon after moving they adopt another dog, Potato, and incorporate him into their home and daily walks through the countryside. They begin to notice a different perspective of dogs in their new home, less the beloved pet they see their dogs as and more of, at best, a nuisance and burden and at worst, livestock. Gendry-Kim’s illustrations are beautifully drawn in black and white with scratchy landscapes and dog portraits, resembling elegant wood cuts. Her reflections, inner conflicts, and reckoning with the world around her is a beautiful and complicated contemplation of home, community, and the role of animals in our lives. No. 132 By Hana Zittel
MARK MOTHERSBAUGH, FROM THE POSTCARD DIARIES MAY 29, 2021 - BEST OF BIRDY 091 15
JOSH KEYES, SPRAY - ACRYLIC (2017)
BY JEFF LAGRECA I finally get to be a Santa Elf. After a week of assignments ranging from Welcome Elf to Train Elf to Crossroads Elf, I get to be in the actual house with the big, red-suited man himself! The house itself is a small wood-paneled room about 10 feet by 10 feet and has a bench or throne upon which Santa sits. There are colorful carvings on the wall and snow-frosted windows. The Santa Elf (me) stands at the door and ushers people into the room. The Camera Elf stands opposite Santa and snaps a photo. And when the visit is complete, we usher the visitors out the back door behind Santa and into the exit hallway. I am told by all the other elves that this is where the magic happens. But, what I’m about to tell you is going to blow your Christmas brain and probably get me in trouble with the Secret Society of Santassassins.” What most people don’t know is that there are six different Santa houses hidden in Santaland, populated by six different actors playing Santa all at the same time. After spending time in different houses with different Santas, I begin to identify them by certain characteristics. There’s “Catskill Comedian Santa,” who squints a lot and has a rapid-fire delivery. There’s “I Can’t Believe They Picked Me Santa,” a scrawny wide-eyed 20-something who is probably a 100 pounds shy of the traditional Santa target weight. As luck would have it, I am stationed in House No. 3 with a fellow that I refer to as “Don’t-Touch-Me-I’m-Comatose-Santa.” I’ve been in here with him for 10 minutes as we wait to open and so far, he hasn’t moved once. He is either deep asleep or deep dead. I stifle the urge to put a mirror up to his nose. Finally, as the hour strikes, he begins to stir in his chair and sighs to himself for the next five minutes. He shakes his head back and forth, letting out several ponderous grunts and I wonder if he’s coming out of hibernation? That’s it. He’s coming out of hibernation! At any moment, “Don’t-Touch-Me-I’m-Comatose-Santa” is going to give me a sly wink as he shakily gets to his feet. Then he’ll take one feeble step forward, plunging into a pratfall that turns into a graceful somersault where he triumphantly springs to his feet smiling with all the grace of a World Class Willy Wonka cosplayer. He will take a bow and everyone in the tiny Santa house will applaud magnificently. But this doesn’t happen. He moves with all the vigor and agility of a sloth on 25 milligrams of cyclobenzaprine. Perhaps he’ll spark to life once the visits start … but nope. The first visit feels like slow motion, he’s moving at 60 frames per second and the rest of us are at 24. The next visit moves as fast as my grandma’s internet connection. All of his visits with the families continue in this subdued manner. Perhaps he’s hungover, I wonder. Perhaps he’s Zen, I rationalize. Finally, there is a slight break in the visitor traffic, and “Don’t-TouchMe-I’m-Comatose-Santa” turns to me drowsily and says, “I have three jobs.” Ah ha! Now, I get it. He’s just TIRED! I nod my head knowingly and say something like, “Yeah, tough times.” He continues, “Most nights, I wait tables at Juniors, but I also sell merchandise for two Broadway shows and I work part-time in a law office.” “Four!” I say. “What?” “Four. You work four jobs. Don’t forget this … Santaland?" “This isn’t a job. This is my vocation, my calling,” He says with NO IRONY WHATSOEVER and languidly shifts in his perch. “I try to make every visit special,” he says. ”Every visit is always such an emotional journey for me and my guests.” I give him a patronizing pat on the shoulder. “You’re an inspiration to all,” I manage, as I stifle a yawn and a sob at the same time. CHECK OUT MORE INSTALLS OF THE ELFLAND STORIES: JEFFLAGRECA.SUBSTACK.COM
RAY YOUNG CHU, WEED GNOME - BEST OF BIRDY 036
A VOYAGE TO YOUR FRIEND’S SECRET UNIVERSE OF FAVORITES The multiverse is expansive and so is the list of gifts you need to get. Use this guide to navigate the path to the best gifts for everyone! A holiday is coming. We cannot yet place its name and yet, but we know it is coming — and you know what that means! Presence of family and loved ones, hot delightful beverages, wild frozen objects in the sky and on the ground, and … gifts! If you have a loved one who fits a particular archetype and is difficult to shop for, or you just want a curated gift for yourself as a reward for buying other gifts, this comprehensive quiz will get you exactly where you need to be for the most treasured treasures. OMEGLOBIN (OH-MEH-GLOW-BEN) SOCIAL, CHARMING, BRIGHT. An Omeglobin is a sweet social butterfly! They love a party, can command a room, and are a true, bona fide extrovert! If they were to make a roll in Dungeons & Dragons, their charm would be a 20. They are delightful, brave and wellbeloved. But look out! A friend to all is a friend to none, and should be reminded — don’t overcommit! They have to protect their kind energy, and let that effervescence shine on everyone as they wish. BOLD STATEMENT PIECES!: • Cage Free Toes • C Street Sweatshirt FOR WHEN THEY NEED SOME LIGHT AS THEY RECHARGE THEIR SOCIAL BATTERIES: • Infinity Melon Lamp SOMEWHERE TO GO WITH THEIR FRIENDS DAY & NIGHT! • Meow Wolf Portal Pass A SWEET FRIEND FOR THE FRIEND WITH ALL FRIENDS: • Happy Garry Plush Keychain PHLEREAL (PH-LEH-REE-AL) NURTURING, WARM, DEPENDABLE. If homies had to be categorized as parts of a ship, they’re the anchor. In other words, they are the “mom” friend. They have a nurturing, empathetic, and beautiful ability to calm down a fight between their Omeglobin and Cholvergent friends. Probably a homebody, with the best interior design of all time, definitely the advice-giver and the overall chill one, which can sometimes make them seem conflict-averse but it’s just real skill at quelling the chaos. A sweet lil peacekeeper! FOR SOMETHING TO CUDDLE AT HOME & FIGHTING OFF THE SUNDAY SCARIES: • Cozy Noodle Soup Blanket EVERYTHING THEY NEED TO KEEP COOL IN TOUGH SITUATIONS: • Fridge Backpack • Cupcake Cat Crop Hoodie No. 132 SOMEWHERE THAT WILL DELIGHT THEIR PROBLEM-SOLVING MIND WHENEVER THEY LIKE! (AND DURING OUR OPEN HOURS): • Meow Wolf Portal Pass A SWEET DECORATION FOR THEIR BEAUTIFUL NEST: • Cowboix Hevvven Neon Sign
CHOLVERGENT (KOL-VER-GENT) LOYAL, BRAVE, A NATURAL LEADER. Nothing gets done without them! A natural leader, always able (and willing) to take charge — they know what they want, they know how to get it, and they’re iconic for that. Fearless! Loyal! Full of fire! They can probably get a little impatient with it, but it’s only because they really and truly care. They’re always down to defend their friends, and are so well-loved! A JACKET AS TOUGH AS THEY ARE!: • Plotzo Bomber Jacket THE PERFECT ACCESSORY FOR AN OL’ FASHIONED HOEDOWN: • Y’all Seeing Eye Bolo Tie • Cowboix Hevvven Tarot and Poker Card Deck SOMETHING TO CREATE A NEW ADVENTURE WITH AGAIN & AGAIN: • Meow Wolf Portal Pass SOMETHING TO DO WITH THEIR HANDS WHEN SOMEONE IS TESTING THAT PATIENCE!: • Dryer Portal Shashibo ETERCHOLINAL (EH-TER-KO-LE-NAL) INTROSPECTIVE, CREATIVE, DAYDREAMER. Etercholinals are definitely the most creative and artistic of the signs — thoughtful, reflective, daydreamer! They have a rich system of reality that they abide by and are constantly building within. They have big big feelings, which can sometimes pull them into despair, but also their rich inner world provides a roadmap to lead them out. They are extremely beloved by many because they are so considerate and emotionally intelligent. Just don’t let them get lost in their heads!! FOR KEEPING WARM IN THE DAYDREAMS: • Killer Acid Change Hoodie TO SPEND MEDITATIVE TIME ON THE BUS, IN THE COFFEE SHOP, OR THE COMFORT OF THEIR OWN HOME: • Convergence Station Coloring Book A PLACE THAT WILL HABITUALLY INSPIRE CREATIVITY: • Meow Wolf Portal Pass STRANGE LITTLE RITUALS TO PASS THE TIME: • Neon Kingdom Puzzle • Daikon Poseable Plushie PICKLEATER (PI-KELL-EE-TER) EATER OF PICKLES, THEY LOVE THEM. WE THINK IT’S EXTREMELY TIGHT. A Pickleater is one of the chosen few who are able to eat pickles. Of course, this does not limit them to merely transmogrified cucumbers, but pickled anything — okra, onions, sauerkraut, kimchi, you name it! Their internal biome is immaculate, they have more probiotics than they know what to do with. Elite, incomparable, we can only hope they will grace us with their presence some day. Our merch shop could never fully accommodate the vibrant splendor of a Pickleater, but we can try. Bless us! ONLY THE FINEST PICKLE OPTIONS FOR A TRUE SUPERSTAR: • Pickleboy Trucker Hat • Cucumber Confidential Flask OTHER TASTEFUL PICKS FOR THEIR ENJOYMENT: • Take the Leap Long Sleeve • Pareidolia Peppers Thank you for exploring the Meow Wolf Gift Navigator quiz extravaganza! We hope this has been an edifying traversion and we have not recorded your outcome psychically in the celestial spreadsheet. TO EXPLORE ALL OF THESE GIFTABLE OPTIONS AND MORE FROM MEOW WOLF HEAD TO SHOP.MEOWWOLF.COM VARIETY BEING THE SPICE OF THEIR LIFE, ALONG WITH DILL & GARLIC: • Meow Wolf Portal Pass Supremium
MAKIN' WEIRDLY GOOD MAGIC HAPPEN INTERVIEW BY KRYSTI JOMÉI PHOTOS + ART BY DAN HARTMAN & CHARLES INGRAM Part band. Part film producers. Part SNL level comedy sketch artists. Part existential therapists. Part … magicians? The impliers aren’t just a psych-dream pop-electro duo. Or even a comedy act. They’re a fully selftaught, self-produced multimedia entity and concept band who create expert level visual and sonic content and deeply meaningful work, all through the lens of not taking life so seriously. Born creatives, Denver-based Dan Hartman and North Carolina-based Charles Ingram unite as the impliers not for accolades or stardom or even just to jam — but because they have no choice but to make art. Sure, it’s a nice side effect that they’ve won multiple awards for their music and videos alongside brands such as Netflix, HBO and PBS, and organizations like the Denver 48 Hour Film Festival. And that their 2022 debut album, Cocoon, received high praise and worldwide traction for their following. But in the grand scheme, Dan and Charles are just trying to use their innate artistic gifts to talk about things that people experience but don’t usually admit or say out loud, in hopes of creating a safe space for all who need it to explore the scope of our feelings in the world we live in together, and ultimately to spread some light. I had the chance to catch up with the pair to talk about their 3-part upcoming release, The Magic, and to dive a little deeper into the magic tricks they have up their sleeves, but are willing to share, that make the experience of being human on this planet a little bit more fun. You both met at the ripe age of 15 in North Carolina. Now you’re in a full-blown project together with several awards and impressive experiences like having music released on compilations alongside Fugazi, Of Montreal and Jawbreaker. How did the concept of the impliers come about? Dan: We came up in this active and energetic punk/metal scene in NC and were the only band playing spaced out indie music and the scene really embraced it. We’d regularly play with JRS (Tony from Municipal Waste) and The Kickass (Bennie from Valient Thorr) at a skatepark that No. 132 regularly packed crowds of 100+ kids — Future Islands started there. We felt on the cusp of something special, but in that teenage phase we had plenty of distractions and stopped playing live altogether. We still independently made things, collecting enough equipment to build these small home studios and for the next few decades, we each did solo music for our own enjoyment and banked tons of unreleased music. We never lost sight of the spark when the two of us collaborated, and we continued to send one another music and got together to film weird sketch comedy. I always had ambitions to start doing things more purposefully, and one day in 2019, I texted Charles, “You and I have a new band. The name of the band is ‘the impliers.’” And he said, “Okay. It’s good to have the name out of the way,” and we started putting together the songs that made our first album, Cocoon. The impliers initially comes off as pure comedy gold and tongue-in-cheek musical performance. But upon scratching the surface there’s a serious undertone and compassionate depth to your work. Your 2022 debut, Cocoon, spotlighted fundamental issues spanning from mental health conditions to relationship complexities to mortality salience to a scope of existential questions. Comedy often serves as a safe space and vehicle to communicate vital and hard life topics. But how do you balance the two in order to successfully get your points across and also make the art you want to make? Dan: That’s a really good question. We each grew up as the class clowns in our friend group making people laugh (and mostly still are). As we got older, our collaboration turned exclusively toward sketch comedy, really just to make our families and friends crack up. There’s a healing element in comedy, we have so much fun with the whole process … we laugh the entire time coming up with an idea, writing it, filming it, and the whole way we’re just losing it. People’s outer shells are usually lighter than their inside personalities, but we tend to display our insides a lot
on the outside and that comes out in the art. We’re both known for deep hours long conversations as much as laughing about crazy ideas. So being deeply moved by music, comedy and film — those arts are where we naturally developed our storytelling. So we take advantage of that full range for the things we want to do. Sometimes it blends — Cocoon is deep and covers tough to swallow topics, but the promo for the album is a total spoof infomercial, which felt like a good format to quickly and simply share the essence of the whole album. As a concept record band, can you dive a bit deeper into the concept approach and also why you took a slight turn with your sound on your new 3-part album, The Magic? (And also why it’s been compared to a collaboration between Prince and Trent Reznor, because according to legitimate streaming service stats, I’m a top Reznor listener/fan in the world ;) Dan: Okay, that is a huge accomplishment, so I’m more interested in what you think here! The Prince and Trent Reznor feel emerged from the combination of pop elements like top-line melodies, falsetto vocals with lots of harmonies blended with dark synths and basslines with drums that can have an industrial feel. But we’d change that to “If Prince and NIN made SNL digital shorts.” On the concept question: from the very beginning we agreed our whole output would be one concept. It’s a sketched out 6-installment story arc. The upcoming album series, The Magic, is Installment 3 and it’s broken out like a movie into three acts with each song being scenes. Cocoon was Part 2 of 2 of Installment 5. The idea was to start with an ideal end state, finite vision while creating a way to account buckets for all the sounds and themes we want to explore in a way that would be compelling for us to create and others to consume. Charles: The sound is definitely a pivot for the audience, but not so much for us as we have each made songs in the genre of metal, hip-hop, classical, jazz and sometimes we just feel it’s best to use something like Yacht Rock. And it WAS important for us to come out with our new sound immediately after Cocoon came out for ourselves to be able to operate in the whole available range, especially without misleading fans. We’re not Korn or ACDC or Beach House or Migos who do their specific thing so well every time. We’re not something for everyone, and some people may just like one song, and some people may love dissecting the puzzle we’re laying out. We do lose a few fans when we shift and we get it and that’s okay. We don’t like it when bands that we like change sometimes, but we also like bands like Ween who changed on most songs. Part 1 of The Magic centers on the exploration of romantic love in all facets: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Please expand. Dan: The concept of love is an important one. Everyone experiences it at some level, and that comes with the biggest elation and also heartbreak, so the type of music is a good way to communicate that. In music, love songs are so prominent. On the good side, there’s so much of the fuzzy side of how in love you are and so it’s fun to cover those wonderful and sometimes naive feelings. But on the tough side, love songs are so often about being a victim or suffering because of losing a relationship, or because the other person was such a problem. But sometimes, aren’t we the problem? Have you ever screwed up a relationship you really wanted to keep, or ended one the wrong way? We have, and assume most people have, but those stories are hard to admit, and harder to admit honestly and end up sanitized. There’s a low understanding of what it looks like on the inside of anxious or avoidant attachment styles that feels urgent to talk about. These are the things people feel and think or experience but don’t usually say. Ideally, someone could turn on these lighter songs and feel energized, and maybe think, It’s not just me; or Hmm, I think this might be what my partner experiences; or even one step further, Wow, I’ve known I should end this relationship and now I have the guts to do it. In 23
relationships, instead of communicating feelings sometimes people just do the dishes loudly to initiate the conflict they want to confront. So in a way, hopefully this is a tool for them. And the bad can be beautiful too. In Colorado people talk about “Type 2 fun,” which is when you get your ass kicked on something like climbing a mountain, and then afterward your brain deletes all the bad and you are left with this positive memory. On the flip side, when these big relationships that contain many of the VERY best parts of your life sours, all the good stuff can get deleted and you are left with a shitty memory. But the good stuff still happened, and you still grew. So we also highlight the growth side. What can fans and those new to your group look forward to in tandem with this release? Dan: Big feelings of course, but a handful of topical sketch comedy videos. We’ve got a short sitcom format video that introduces a special character by the name of “Bingo” who stars in one of the music videos we’re in the process of producing, as well as a relationship advice video from self-renowned author Docter Charles. You’ll see some musical styles you’ve not yet heard from us, and more session musicians! We've been experimenting hiring super talented folks to interpret crazy instructions, like we did with horns on the last few singles — notably the sax player on “Make Your Move” is Jesse Molloy (who we later learned is from Panic! At The Disco). Who are you channeling for your impliers alter egos and how do these ideas typically come about? Dan: We’ve filmed so much solo sketch comedy that characters were often born out of the need to have more than one person on video. So we’d just play all the characters ourselves. If you watch the intro to the “Love At First Sight” music video, you’ll see a handful of characters we’ve created over the years. The alter egos you see on our website and in the “Make Your Move” video stemmed from the idea that when people go to a club on the prowl, they dress and act in a way that isn’t truly them! AND, the person they meet is also doing the same thing. So when these two people meet, it is like at least four people in the conversation. And if they hit it off? So begins the melting away of the facade … or even funnier, some people just stay like that forever. Like the guys that have an unnaturally cool walk, or a fake deep voice. So these guys are the most opposite versions of ourselves. So the ideas come out as a side effect of the concept of the song or sound we’re making, and this is one of those places where we really think about the fanbase. We just love the idea of going the extra mile in making it worth your time to catch up with our new material as it comes out. And, it just gives us a reason to crack ourselves and our Moms up. No. 132 What does band practice look like with you two living in separate states? Dan: There is no practice, I don’t play outside of recording! I traded depth of skills for width a long time ago and just being good enough to get songs out of my brain. This means I regularly have to record a part 40 plus times to get it right, because I’ve not played a guitar in four months if I have been working on mixing, lyrics, videos, etc. This also means I regularly have to stop for a week to finish a part so my non-calloused bloody finger can heal. Charles: Every weekend when I turn on my studio, I make a new “blip” which is the fastest song I can make to keep it fun and interesting. Then we will take parts of these for songs and videos, and I also use these for the scores to the films we do. I jam with my brother on weekends and we take songs from Pixies or Big Black or Dead Milkmen and try to play them in different genres. What’s an impliers memory that never gets old? Charles: In 2019, I landed in Denver and we glued on some fake beards and got in full costume and wandered around to talk to strangers in these different looks, yet completely ourselves. They just interacted with us as normal, which was awesome. Then we found a puppet and made a video about puppet therapy. Then we got identical clothes and mustaches and filmed a choreographed dance video which scenes ended up in our “Make Your Move” music video. Then we went back out and accidentally ended out at Blue Ice for the free Salsa dancing night where a nice middle-aged woman asked me for one last dance. This was a Tuesday. Recall a tough lesson in your creative journey that made your individual work and collaboration together stronger? Dan: When bands break up you lose all the songs. We were in three bands together that ended. When you learn how to do self-production, that never happens as you create a solo library. As we each did solo production, we came out of the next decade with our own unique styles that were very different from one another, and over time, our influences became more ourselves and one another than anything external. Now when we come together, it’s more about blending individual styles and we have a huge shortcut in our communication — we know how to disagree in a super healthy, unemotional way. We did come out of the other end of these solo journeys with just piles and piles of parts we draw from occasionally. For example, we are working on a song right now for The Magic, Part 1 called “Alive” that was started 19 years ago, using as much of the originally recorded tracks as we possibly can.
What is your go-to during an artistic block? Dan: Well, a few things. The first is being hyperaware of not assigning the idea of being blocked! Some times are for ideas flowing, others are for experiencing life, or being lazy, so if it doesn’t come, then we try not to force it. It’s kind of like when you can’t sleep and the more you think about it the harder it gets! I like how writers say write a little bit every day and sometimes you get on a run! But also, sometimes sitting in a studio when there isn’t an idea and trying to force it can build a sense of resentment towards going into the studio. Instead, do something else and don’t even try. That being said, there are many things you can do! For music, you can genre flip. Maybe you take a song you were working on that was acoustic and instead re-record it as a Four-on-thefloor club song. Make up a new guitar tuning that breaks everything you know. Try to make something intentionally bad, or ridiculous, or in a genre you hate. If writing music isn’t coming, do lyrics come? Maybe tweaking levels and effects? Sometimes if you just sit down and play a track you have been making from the beginning, you might start noticing little tweaks and then fall into two hours of flow mixing and then you get a new part. When you do get the free flow of ideas that happens when it happens … catch ‘em! Write them all down, whistle into your phone, write down scenes and jokes, or whatever it is, and then when you want to create but it’s not coming, tap into that bank. There is much better advice about this stuff in books like The War of Art, which you could read in an hour, or The Creative Act by Rick Rubin, which directly has advice for this, or Flow which literally has instructions on the conditions to get in the zone. But honestly, try to understand where the pressure is coming from? A lot of times it is one simple thing, and that thing may very well be that you are just thinking about what other people will think. What is your reason for making art in the first place? How do you stay inspired all these years? Charles: Close your eyes, and think about the piece or music or video that moved you the most, ever. That is why. I always have thought that if I could make even just a few people feel the same way I felt from music, it’s all worth it. Dan: More and more I’ve learned that you need people that are here spreading light in the world, on social media, wherever — giving people things to sing and dance to, to laugh at, and to make you think and wonder beyond where your borders are today. Do you ever consider that you can think literally ANY thought? ANY THING EVER. And you can think it right now. And further, being able to take something that only existed in your mind and make it a thing that exists somehow in reality and is experienced by someone else’s senses is absolutely beautiful. But another thing that emerged once we released our music was the many people that reached out to us saying they’re moved by our music and lyrics. One unexpected one was from young men, especially in Latin America, that were saying things like, “I heard your lyrics and they are exactly how I feel. I have not heard a male talk about this.” And so that was touching knowing someone that may be less likely to reach out for help felt heard and understood. But most of all, we still mainly make stuff for our family and friends to laugh at and listen to. Top three albums. Charles: Swans — Soundtracks for the Blind; Propagandhi — Less Talk More Rock; Sonic Youth — Sister Dan: Cornelius — Fantasma; Sol Niger Within's Fredrik Thordendal’s Special Defects; Mew — And The Glass Handed Kites Top three films. Charles: Apocalypse Now, Blue Velvet, Gummo Dan: Mulholland Drive, Taxi Driver, Memento Top performers. Dan & Charles: Laddio Bolocko - Completely BLEW our minds in any way. Swans — Do not miss them, ever. Ever. 2000s era Mike Patton. Tigran Hamasyan Trio. Go-to fashion item(s). Charles: Dad Asics. Dan: I bought every color of one pair of sweatpants that look like normal pants on a sale called “Daymaker.” Favorite mustache styles. Charles: John Waters mustache, specifically his mustache. Dan: Rusty Jones. One piece of tech you’d love to see have a comeback. Charles: Payphones and Super Soakers Dan: Super soakers are still around FYI CHECK OUT MORE MUSIC, VIDEOS & ART: THEIMPLIERS.COM | @THEIMPLIERS: INSTAGRAM | YOUTUBE | SPOTIFY (EXCLUSIVE) PEEK THEIR LATEST VIDEO: “MAKE YOUR MOVE”: YOUTU.BE/VF7A9LJGHIE MAJOR STREAMING LINKS: THEIMPLIERS.LNK.TO/MYMV 25
borne of this one photo that carry legitimacy. The terrible photo of actual nothing — which is harder to do than you think. It spawned a huge number of conspiratorial posts about people who glitched out of our world and into a series of increasingly terrifying stages, that you must also glitch through to, eventually, end up back here on good ol’ Earth. Or whichever Earth. It’s pretty unclear. For anyone unfamiliar with beta level first person online gaming, there’s a concept whereby one can sometimes, depending on how well developed a map is, glitch beyond the point that other players can interact with you. Given that online gaming is most often choosing to commit fake murder of one kind or another, this is both hilarious and extremely annoying. The Backrooms, if they exist, of fer exactly that, but within a construct that assumes all of us actually live in an imagined realm (check out my DnD podcast Knight Bastard) full of Junji Ito monsters who, should you get Rooms are weird. Being alone in one? Can be a bummer. Being not alone in one? We’re all dialing 9 1 and waiting on the last part. Being in a Backroom? A back. Room. Get ready for the only time your death in the world you instinctively assume isn’t a video game is also how you actually G D die. The “Backrooms" are mostly fictional liminal places. Despite the original being an absolutely strange empty moment in the photographic life of someone who had to decorate a room under the auspices of “Oh fuck, so do you kill me now or is there a first part?” might be a nice place to move into and build a family, assuming that family is all from Amityville. If you’re one of the many people who likes to occasion Reddit (or in defiance of whatever god that can’t help you, 4chan), you may have already come into contact with the theory about the Backrooms. You might even be living it. Especially if you happen to currently labor within the confines of Oshkosh, Wisconsin’s own HobbyTown. Formerly Rohner’s Home Furnishings and, depending on your beliefs, now atop the crux of multiple ley lines, HobbyTown has become a cosmic point of event that allows one to — intentionally or not — travel outside the reality that may or may not be a Matrix-esque illusion. Putting the whole “all reality is fiction” thing aside — largely because I have no desire to offer space to conspiracy theorists who didn’t even go insane enough to come up with an original idea — stories have been No. 132 thrown into their world, will be at the very least of a different opinion about your being there. I don’t recommend looking up the “facelings.” Theoretically, the Backrooms can be accessed from anywhere on Earth. Most stories are about people encountering them randomly. Mostly kids. Mostly having a good time. Mostly setting the scene for a tulpa. I don’t have to tell you how tulpas work, but “you” is a highly variable personage so definition time: Essentially a belief that’s been given mortal life. And there hasn’t been a better engine for it than our social networks; e.g. Reddit, Discord, Twitter — never X — maybe in the history of the world. Pretty sure they made at least two of our worst presidents happen. Pick two and play a fun game! (Hint: one’s George Bush and one’s Donald Trump). Could’ve been y’all being awful people. Who can say? Still happened. Four times. That’s insane. It’s definitely extra insane if a tulpa ends up being an entire pocket universe made of yellowed walls with enemies from Silent Hill 2 walking around, but they’re still there. Hanging out. Waiting for the day that just enough of us believe in it to become real. At least if tulpas can happen and the Backrooms can be real, we know America will somehow run that table with the worst we can offer. HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PARANORMAL? SEND THEM TO: WEREWOLFRADARPOD@GMAIL.COM OR TWITTER: @WEREWOLFRADAR IT’S A BIG, WEIRD WORLD. DON’T BE SCARED. BE PREPARED.
MALLORY HART, THREE EYED SNOWMAN - BEST OF BIRDY 096
BY TOM MURPHY Despite 2024 ending on a fairly ominous note, more thrilling and inspiring music was on hand and these selections are a mere vibrant slice of that sonic rainbow. A PLACE TO BURY STRANGERS – SYNTHESIZER Harrowing emotional clarity through radical spontaneous musical combustion. BLOODHYPE – TRENDOIDS Vaporwave electroclash subversion of corporate training video sounds. THE BODY & DIS FIG – ORCHARDS OF A FUTILE HEAVEN A scorched and vulnerable portrait of personal and civilizational transcendence. CHARLI XCX – BRAT Self-aware swagger synth pop supreme. CHAT PILE – COOL WORLD The poignant noise rock evocation of America’s cultural and societal failings and nightmares in the current century. THE CHILDREN… – A SUDDEN CRAVING Dark, art folk post-punk theatrical poetics. CINDY LEE – DIAMOND JUBILEE Sprawling triple album pastoral hypnogogic psych pop masterpiece and swan song. No. 132 THE JESUS LIZARD – RACK Front to back splintery lunacy against dullard foolishness. J.R.C.G. – GRIM ICONIC... (SADISTIC MANTRA) Engrossing polyrhythmic psychedelic prog dub punk. JULIA HOLTER – SOMETHING IN THE ROOM SHE MOVES Guided by organic, intuitive flow, rhythm and structure, a fascinating work of ambient futuristic dream pop. KAMASI WASHINGTON – FEARLESS MOVEMENT Densely dynamic, cinematic, transporting, cosmic post-bop orchestral jazz embodiment of collective liberation. LUNA HONEY – BOUND Brooding, visceral catharsis swimming in darkly mystical goth psychedelia. MAMALEEK – VIDA BLUE Downtempo and mournful-free jazz black metal meditation on loss. MANNEQUIN PUSSY – I GOT HEAVEN Scathing and uplifting punk bangers about yearning and scorching of religious indoctrination. MEATBODIES – FLORA OCEAN TIGER BLOOM Kaleidoscopic fuzz-drenched heavy psych excursions into the surreal. THE DRIN – ELUDE THE TORCH Weirdo psych folk kosmische akin to Ghost from Japan. EINSTÜRZENDE NEUBAUTEN – RAMPEN (APM: ALIEN POP MUSIC) Born of liminal improv, an entire record of heavenly creative industrial solvents of the international fash. FONTAINES D.C. – ROMANCE A moody and manga-and-beat-inspired cinematic post-punk odyssey. KAREN HAGLOF – ONE HAND UP Masterful New Wave art rock Americana with massive chops. KONTRAVOID – DETACHMENT The sound of dancing off the dissociating instinct of surviving in dystopian times. LESSER CARE – HEEL TURN Gloriously melancholic and vulnerable shoegaze-infused post-punk. LETTING UP DESPITE GREAT FAULTS – REVERIES Most memorable melodic hooks on an album, dream pop or otherwise, of 2024.
MELT-BANANA – 3+5 Hyperkinetic bursts of joyful industrialized noise rock like a soundtrack to an intense sidescroller. MOLCHAT DOMA – BELAYA POLOSA The most representative of the band’s rich and engulfing live sound and expansive gloomy moods to date. MORGAN GARRETT – PURITY Brilliantly deconstructed and fractured No Wave nü metal industrial noise folk. MOUNT KIMBIE – THE SUNSET VIOLENT A measured yet entrancing vacation from overstimulation through tender minimalism. PHARMAKON – MAGGOT MASS A tribal power electronics equivalent of the most disorienting passages of an Alex Garland film. PISSED JEANS – HALF DIVORCED A caustic and urgent dismantling of the multifold manifestations of American hubris. THE PRIDS – I ONLY CARE ABOUT YOU AND ME Elegiac dream pop snapshots of regret and romantic fervor. For more, visit queencitysoundsandart.wordpress.com 29 TASSEL – A SACRIFICE: UNTO IDOLS Industrial death goth declarations of selfaffirmation and liberation. STUDDED LEFT – CASUAL FLEXER The hypnotic mutant creative offspring of mid-70s Eno, Magazine, industrial psych, New Wave romanticism and Pink Reasonesque revolution rock with chill vibes. SUUNS – THE BREAKS Slackadaisical IDM psychedelia leaning into passages of orchestral indie art rave. TACTICAL PAGAN – S/T Industrial world funk noise and dungeon downtempo. URBAN HEAT – THE TOWER Soulful and commanding fusion of darkwave, emo and R&B. VR SEX – HARD COPY Caustic, psychedelic post-punk infused with industrial flavor and irreverent humor. WAND – VERTIGO Lush, enigmatic, melancholic, expansive and rapturous psychedelia. WASHED OUT – NOTES FROM A QUIET LIFE Mind cleansing melodies that drift through reflections on melancholia and loss to feelings of gratitude, acceptance and inner peace. SEX SWING – GOLDEN TRIANGLE Like a Krautrock Butthole Surfers UK in its psychedelic intensity and lunatic calm. SHELLAC – TO ALL TRAINS Insightful, wryly and starkly humorous sketches of American angst cast in wiry minimalism. STREET FEVER – ABSOLUTION Hard darkrave anthems of recovery and perseverance in exorcising religious trauma and cycles of abuse. THOU – UMBILICAL A seething and brutal testimonial to the power of ideas and articles of faith to compel and scar our psyches. TORRES – WHAT AN ENORMOUS ROOM Creatively ambitious, experimental indie glam art rock. UBOA – IMPOSSIBLE LIGHT An epic and vulnerable hellscape of revelation and transformative anguish.
Written by Elisa Sargent | Illustrated by Daniel Crosier | Colored by Kevin Waltz The Earl of Elm and the Countess of Conifer went into town to visit the barber. They knew by the crisp change in the air that it was time for the Earl to trim back his hair. It was that time of year when his leaves began to thin, and he was preparing to fall asleep again. But before he could rest, he put on his best and the Countess slipped on her evergreen dress. They gathered their pets, Button, Porta and Truffles, and into the town the fancy couple shuffled. The townspeople cheered and greeted their friends as they walked down the street to the shop at the end. Passing the windows with the baubles and jewels, the countess decided she would like something new. Because Christmas was coming and the forest would be festive, with the celebration of Yule in the deep wooden thickets. They popped into a shop and met with the clerks, who immediately began their decorative work. They happily covered her branches with silver and gold, and in exchange for their gifts she gave mistletoe. For the ribbons they wrapped and the sparkling bows, she gladly exchanged her most beautiful pinecone. With the Countess draped in her new shining beauty, the Earl entered the barber shop for his annual pruning. As he began his work, the barber was surprised to find an angry little squirrel was hidden deep inside. The barber kept a bowl of acorns for such an occasion, and the squirrel quickly forgave the startling invasion. Now that the trip into town was a wild success, the couple headed home for the Earl’s seasonal rest. The days became shorter and the nights began to chill, those who chose to hibernate had eaten their fill. As the Earl became sleepy for his long winter night, the Countess and her court began to strike the Yule lights. As Button, Porta and Truffles snuggled into the branches, the forest creatures began their festive Yule dances. The snow fell lightly as the Conifer court began to sing, Merry Christmas to all, and many joys may the new year bring. THE EARL OF ELM AND THE COUNTESS OF CONIFER FULL CHILDREN'S BOOK IS AVAILABLE ON FEBRUARY 14, 2025 SNAG A COPY AT WHENBAKEDTHINGSATTACK.COM & ON AMAZON.
1 Publizr