again — but this time, just for kicks? And you cried yourself to sleep and swore you would never hang out with us again? That’s still not funny to you? Yeah, I know it happened last week, but you think with the passing of time, you’d be a bit more humble about it … Hmm, I see. So the answer is no. Okay, fair enough. I’ll try again next week. ONE TIME I WAITED ALL THE WAY UNTIL WEDNESDAY TO GET DRUNK, AND THEN WAS DISAPPOINTED WHEN I REALIZED IT WAS STILL MONDAY As a bonafide old, I try to take it easy on the alcohol consumption — mainly since I have no plans to quit, and it’s not exactly healthy. Therefore, I try to take at least four days off per week from visiting my friends in the bar and having fun. And with this system, I’ve experienced contradicting outcomes. For example, the other day I was so proud of myself for making it all the way to Wednesday without even so much as wanting a drink. Once I got drunk, however, I realized it was Monday all along. The thing was, I had to work on Saturday, and I helped someone move on Sunday, so it didn’t feel like a Monday. It had a very distinct Wednesday feel. But you’ll be happy to know that I remained sober that Tuesday and then got drunk again on Wednesday, so I did make it eventually. And don’t you just love a happy ending? THE VERY FIRST DAY AFTER MY EX AND I BROKE UP, I WENT TO THE BAR, AND THIS GUY SAID, “DATING IN YOUR 40s IS LIKE A EUROPEAN VACATION: LOTS OF BAGGAGE.” And I was like, What the fuck? The corpse of our relationship wasn’t even cold yet, and here he was telling me things were only going to get worse. Of course, he had no way of knowing that I recently broke up with my ex, but still. It was not what I wanted to hear at the time. And the worst part of it is that he was totally right. Post 40 courtship is a damned nightmare! Nowadays, when I go on the first date with someone, I feel like I could ask, “So what health issues are you currently battling?” “How much do you resent your parents for so thoroughly fucking you up?” And, “What mental health issues are currently percolating in that damaged noggin of yours?” It’s terrible. I think I’d have more fun at church. … JUST KIDDING. THERE’S NO FUN TO BE HAD AT CHURCH I don’t want to disrespect anyone’s beliefs here, but I will say that I’ve never personally had a good time at mass. Then again, displays of guilt and shame were never my thing. … I SUPPOSE I’LL TRY AGAIN TOMORROW I’ve been having a lot of bad days lately. And the ones that are particularly terrible, I say some words of affirmation to myself before I try to go to bed for the night. Usually, it goes something like this: “I didn’t do well today, but I’m still here. Since the only way out is through, I suppose I’ll try again tomorrow.” It’s how you know I’ve hit rock bottom. I wouldn’t be saying that shit if everything were puppy dogs and rainbows. But I’ve had a whole lot of rabid cats and lightning bolts sent my way — so to speak — so I have no choice but to rely on the one thing I never even wanted to try: positivity. As you might imagine, results have been mixed. 9
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