RAY YOUNG CHU, PROS AND CONS JUST SO YOU KNOW, THIS LETTER WOULD HAVE BEEN TEAR-STAINED IF IT WASN’T WRITTEN DIGITALLY (AND OTHER FUN FACTS ABOUT HOW SAD MY LIFE IS) BY BRIAN POLK HAVE YOU EVER APOLOGIZED FOR SOME TERRIBLE THING YOU DID MORE THAN A DECADE AGO, AND THE PERSON YOU APOLOGIZED TO DIDN’T EVEN REMEMBER IT? Like most other humans navigating the hellscape we call life, I find myself staying up nights and dwelling on incidents that happened many years ago. Then I feel awful for how I behaved and subsequently engage in hours of self-recrimination. A few times, I even reached out to the person I wronged and apologized — and every time they either had absolutely no clue what I was talking about, or it just wasn’t that big of a deal to them. So imagine my reaction when I realized I had been feeling shitty about an event that only survived in my own head! I think that’s indicative of the human experience — our personal pasts live larger in our own memories than they do in the memories of others. It reminded me of that Samuel Johnson quote: “If any man would consider how little he dwells upon the condition of others, he would learn how little the attention of others is attracted by himself.” Sing it, brother! WHENEVER GOD SEES A PUG, DO YOU THINK HE WONDERS WHY HUMANS WOULD GO AND DO THAT TO A WOLF? Poor pugs. Through no fault of their own, life sure isn’t easy for them. No. 129 From obstructed breathing due to brachycephaly, to shortened life expectancy, their existence here on earth is mostly burdened with one struggle after the next. A far cry from their ancient wolf ancestors, who got along in nature just fine, the pug needs constant human care to even have a chance. Hence, I could see a vengeful God getting pretty upset with our unique pug creations. “I created the majestic wolf, and THIS is what you did to it?” he’d say. “The poor thing can’t even give birth properly.” You know, I often criticize the Old Testament God for killing the entire population of earth in the Great Flood, but there are times when I get it. GROWING UP, THEY TOLD ME CRIME DOESN’T PAY, BUT NEITHER DOES WORKING, SO WHAT THE FUCK? As far as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. Well, that’s not exactly true. While I did enjoy watching Goodfellas and various other gangster-related movies, I didn’t have the opportunity to join any gangs, since there weren’t any gangsters where I grew up. Had there been, I definitely would have strongly considered such a lifestyle. I can imagine it now: during my 20s and 30s, I would’ve spent my
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