he thought he was Enlightened or whatever, and this one calling everyone “phony bastards,” it was definitely the summer of self-righteousness. (Also, you really shouldn’t let any book or movie turn you into a smug loudmouth. The odds are pretty good that you’ll regret your newfound pompous, self-satisfied behavior in a scant few months.) ONE OF THESE DAYS, I BET ROMANCE EBOOK PUBLISHERS START INCLUDING A "JUMP TO THE FUCKING" BUTTON You know how most authors of online recipes started including a “jump to the recipe” button after everyone made fun of their selfindulgent narratives that you had to scroll through to get to the cooking? Since a large portion of romance aficionados are just in it for the steamy sex segments, publishers should consider this innovation to help their readers cut to the chase. Never mind the filler — some folks just don’t want foreplay! That’s why a “jump to the fucking” button would help a lot of frustrated people who just need some action in their lives. Because when it comes to matters of food and sex, a lot of us simply do not have time to wait. SOMETIMES I PLAY "CONNECTIONS" FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES, AND I GET PURPLE FIRST And I think, I am so smart! From here on out, I’m going to get purple first every time! Then I play it the next day and the only reason I get purple is through the process of elimination. And then I have no choice but to go back to hating fucking purple, because, like, who comes up with that shit? THE NEWS, MY BANK ACCOUNT, TEST RESULTS FROM THE DOCTOR, RESPONSES TO COMMENTS I MADE ON SOCIAL MEDIA WHILE DRUNK That’s my own personal Purple Group if I wrote for “Connections.” And if you were playing and figured it out via process of elimination, the title for the group would say, “THINGS BRIAN HATES CHECKING THESE DAYS.” I SUPPOSE I SHOULD BE MORE GRATEFUL, BUT TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I'M SIMPLY OUT OF ENERGY Yeah, I know I should try to be more appreciative of all the reasons my life isn’t terrible, but I am exhausted by all the reasons my life is. For example, my job wears me out, maintaining a romantic relationship after the 15 year mark is unexpectedly difficult, bills keep coming even though I keep paying them, the planet is dying and that makes my existential outlook a total nightmare. And sure, I’m not bedridden, hungry, in a war zone, or chronically ill. But that doesn’t mean I have the energy to keep any kind of appreciation for my wellbeing in the forefront of my thoughts. Most of the time I’m working and getting yelled at by customers or management or both. And after a while everything just takes its toll. So while I’m glad I’m not dead — yay for me! — I can’t bring myself to thank the universe. Maybe I’ll try to summon some gratitude tomorrow if I have any luck breaking the cycle of chronic insomnia tonight (because if I am tired, I have no hope of invoking anything resembling positivity). You see, this is why people do drugs. 7
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