lore following Her Eminence. <ROBERT EVANS’ VOICE> Did she bath those tunnels in blood like she rode in on the elevator from The Shining? You’re goddamn right. </ROBERT EVANS VOICE> She single-handedly eradicated not only the threat beneath our feet but the entire Chinese communist military across the world. So rest easy, world-at-large; Didulo did it! Provided you never investigate anything ever again. Having plucked Excalibur from the cold, dead corpse of her last Chinese national, she was awarded the title “Queen of Canada.” For her first act in this most prestigious role? Lay low until 2020 and then start a cult, natch. Incredibly, her online presence had garnered millions of followers on Telegram (think Twitter, but Twitter can tell you how to get to Medicine Hat, AB), some of whom left not only entire families behind, but the Parent of the Year trophies awarded by their respective Premiers to make pilgrimage to her Victorian home and lavish her with money, labor and love. Mostly money. After amassing a small horde of loyal servants and a sizeable war chest the queen found it was time to make herself known to Ottawa. How, though, does True Nobility best reveal itself to capture the devotion of the hoi polloi? Ornate palanquin? Golden escalator? Sliding down a divine fire pole of pure light and smashing into Parliament? Then! A shock of ingenuity: Do exactly what the anti-vaxx Freedom Convoy was already doing and roll in with a fleet of RVs covered in giant decals of her face. — Where applicable play C. W. McCall’s “Convoy” — “Wagons east, my children!” I assume she proclaimed as her followers loaded into their vehicles and kick-started their diesel revolution. What followed was a great many difficulties that would test the resolve of every member of Didulo’s army, not the least of which were the matching suits with rows of fake medals pinned to their chests. Breakdowns; overnights in Walmart parking lots; constant surveillance and virtually no sleep; calls from the royal chamber to turn on a coffee maker at 3 a.m.; 24/7 blasting of Boney M’s “Rasputin” on repeat. That one sounds like a punchline. It is emphatically not. At one point they holed up in a hotel for several days waiting for a visit from Vladimir Putin. He never showed, the rascal. Eventually they reached their destination and, with all due pomp and circumstance, Queen Romana Didulo of Canada, like a debutante at her coming out cotillion, marched between an array of her troops to address the Canadian people en masse, stirring them to action. She unveiled the true Canadian flag, a purple number with a maple leaf bisected by a sword and the words “God Loves You.” She began to burn a current Canadian flag. It went, well, a bit like this: Horns drowned her out until she slunk back to her recreational imperial sanctuary where she took to Telegram, battling the slings of online rage. Deflecting hundreds of patriotic missives launched by filthy plebs from their sand castles of misguided nationalism, she eventually — and I think you’ll agree — closed the door on any argument one could make against her claim to the rulingest of class. “The ancient Royal Families, white hats military, global alliance, galactic and intergalactic alliance federation of worlds of light beings have been working for thousands of years to free Planet Earth. And suddenly you say truckers freed the world? Get your head out of the toilet bowl, eh?” Long live the Queen. Preferably in her padded cell. HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PARANORMAL? SEND THEM TO: WEREWOLFRADARPOD@GMAIL.COM OR TWITTER: @WEREWOLFRADAR. IT’S A BIG, WEIRD WORLD. DON’T BE SCARED. BE PREPARED.
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