to what you’re doing to entice death: are you smoking, drinking too much, and not exercising or eating right? Third, I suppose it could be a clumsy way of asking if you’re about to murder someone. Fourth, you may mishear the question and assume they’re asking whether or not you’re going to a “die in” where you plan to “drink the Kool-Aid” (so to speak). And now that I’ve over-analyzed the shit out of this particular question, I suppose it’s far too fraught to bring up in polite society. So yeah, never mind. Do You Ever Suddenly Realize That You Haven’t Done Anything To Further Your Goal Of World Domination The Better Part Of A Year? It’s kind of sad when you realize your sole life ambition has been put on the back burner for reasons you really can’t control. Sure some dreams are worth giving up on, but your goal of world domination used to motivate you to amass arsenals, brainwash acquaintances, and write ever-more wordy and scatterbrained manifestos. And you’re giving all that up because your life got a little busy? Come on, now. That’s not the go-getter attitude that you need to show your adversaries who’s boss around here. You also don’t want to sully the memory of all those Pinky and the Brain cartoons that inspired your aspirations of total subjugation in the first place. So maybe make some time in your life for what’s important. Your friends and family may laugh at you, but they won’t be laughing when you’re the one in charge, now will they? I Often Wonder If Some Of My More Curmudgeonly Customers Experienced Their Last Laugh At The Age Of 17 At some point during Clinton’s first term, they must have read a Funky Winkerbean comic strip in the paper and laughed for what would be the very last time. And although they didn’t know it at that moment, they would never so much as crack a smile again. How else could you explain the fact that their whole adult lives have been spent making everyone else’s life as miserable as theirs? There’s something particularly pathetic and contemptible about taking advantage of a power dynamic (customer versus worker) in order to unload decades of crushing frustrations and resentments on someone who’s captive and has no choice but to take the abuse. You’d almost feel sorry for them if they weren’t so pitiful. I hope everyone reading this will make a promise to themselves never to become one of these people. There are so many more satisfying and productive ways to live. For example, getting an ice cream cone and tipping the worker who scooped it for you is a good place to start. I Was Cleaning And Found A Drawer Full Of 20 Percent Off Coupons To Bed Bath & Beyond Then I broke down in tears when I thought about all the times I paid full price at that store because I forgot to bring a damned coupon. And now that the retail outlet has gone out of business, I can never redeem myself (or these coupons). I’ve Decided That Instead Of Going To My Job Every Day, I’m Just Going To Be Rich So I Don’t Have To Work Since I don’t want to work anymore, I have come to the conclusion that I’m going to concoct a cunning plan to build a massive capitalist empire. The first step of this scheme is to obtain capital, since capitalists are the ones who own things that make money for them. That way they don’t have to lift a finger in order to pay for their extravagant lifestyles. I figure I would maybe buy a building and have people pay me money every month for the right to live there. Then maybe I would buy a grocery store where the very same people who were paying me for the right to sleep could also pay me for the right to eat. And then I might look into owning some kind of doctor’s office or hospital, so the people that are paying me for the right to sleep and eat could also pay me for the right to be healthy and pain-free. After securing all these money-making operations, I suppose I’d open a factory or retail store where I would employ the folks who are already paying me to live. And they could make even more money for me, and I would pay them a very small percentage of the wealth they created back to them — but not too much! (I figured not only would I not work, but I would also be, like, comically greedy.) And with this money I pay them, they would have no choice but to hand most of it right back if they want to keep sleeping in my building, eating my groceries, and going to my doctors. It all seems pretty simple when I spell it out like that. I wonder if anyone else has ever thought of this. What Does One Wear When They Go Shopping For Buildings? I just realized that I don’t have any nice clothes — much less the duds I imagine are required for building shopping. I don’t think anyone is going to sell me an apartment complex if I show up in my ripped up Alice Donut T-shirt, for example. Does anyone out there in reading land have any suggestions as to the attire one might don whilst completing step one in what will eventually be their massive capitalist empire? If so, send them to: birdy@birdymagazine.com, C/O Brian. Thanks, everyone! ERIK ROGERS - @EROCKROGERS
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