MY LAST BOUT WITH COVID MADE ME REALIZE HOW MUCH PROGRESS I’M MAKING IN MY JOURNEY AS A HUMAN ON THIS PLANET The reason I was in New York is because my band played a show that went really well. This is most likely where I got Covid. In the past, I would have let this diagnosis ruin the trip by uttering self-pitying phrases like, “This is what I get for having fun.” Or, “Why can’t I just do something enjoyable once in a while without having to pay such a steep price?” But I didn’t say those things. I just shrugged and didn’t let a shitty 10-day sickness get in the way of something cool that I got to do. I think this means I finally overcame the guilt-ridden shackles of my Catholic upbringing. (Well maybe not fully, but I am mature enough to appreciate any kind of progress on this front.) MY IPHONE IS KIND OF A JERK After getting Covid, the Health app on my phone sent the following notification: “There’s been a change in your average steps per day.” Well yeah, no shit, Health application. It’s kind of important to rest when you’re sick. You would think an app called “Health” would be a bit more understanding of my actual health. Who do I talk to about this? NOW THAT WE’VE ENTERED THE HOLIDAY SEASON, I JUST WANT TO SAY, I’LL SOBER UP WHEN IT ENDS And make no mistake, I’m not drinking because I’m having a good time. HERE ARE A FEW SITUATIONS WHERE IT DOES NOT PAY TO HAVE A GOOD IMAGINATION 1. If you’re particularly jealous in relationships and your new lover sends the following two texts at 3 a.m. while you were sleeping: (A) “I’m here with Pork Chop, the thing, and the booze. My arm is getting tired. Where are you?” And 20 seconds later: (B) “Sorry, sweetums. Wrong number.” 2. When you’re in the children’s section at a department store or library and you put your hand in something wet and/or sticky. (I suppose this situation would apply if you were at a porn shop as well.) 3. A gelatinous blob the color of a regurgitated brown leaf shows up on your Doc Martens while you are out walking and you have no clue how something like that could get there. (This one happened to me.) 4. You have a pain in your side and access to Google. After 20 minutes, you’ll begin to wonder how the hell you’re still alive. 5. You’re eating french fries and all of a sudden it tastes like melted plastic for a few bites. The best part is when you start to realize this, you dramatically slow down your chewing and your face registers a look of deep, disturbed concentration. 6. It’s been a busy six months and a recent test result has you wondering when, where, and with whom your STI first began to flourish in your loins. WHEN THE EQUATION OF DYING-TO-LIVING STARTS TO GET OUT OF WHACK, IT’S TIME TO START HAVING SOME FUN And the thing I consider fun is natural fun. So if you know me, get in touch and let’s have some. 5
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