THOR ALWAYS ON MY MIND BY NATE BALDING | ART BY JAMES HATTAWAY Oh, I didn’t notice you there. Looks like you have a question on your mind. Is it, by chance, curiosity about the fact that you remember it as a Dreamsicle instead of a Creamsicle? No, wait. That’s me right now. You look like you’re wondering who, or what, is Valiant Thor. If you thought, “band you’ve heard of,” you’re super wrong while being technically right. In time many bands will be known as “Valiant Thorr” but ours is to explore the legacy of the enigmatic specter who may or may not have directed the Pentagon, the president and NASA toward the discovery of alien life. Valiant (Val to his pals) was, in fact, very possibly an extraterrestrial himself. It’s February 20, 1954. Dwight Eisenhower had chipped a tooth. Being the president of the Free World he naturally decided it made sense to cross the entire country seeking a dentist in Palm Springs. Or making first contact with a traveler from another planet. Or playing golf. Relatively recent members of this vainglorious post have made any of those options entirely viable. In any case something happened to Ike (the AP reported him having died of a heart attack before a quick retraction) and persons in the know are aware that he encountered a being from another world. According to anecdotal record this was the first meeting between the “Nordic” species of alien visitors and our lowly selves, only just then capable of interplanetary flight. He would later meet with representatives of the Greys and offer millions of human lives in exchange for technology superior to whatever we had going on in 1954. If you’ve ever used a second spin on a washing machine thank the legions of abducted and likely dead homo sapiens that the general suspect of the military-industrial complex sent to their doom. And here’s where it gets interesting. In 1957 Valiant Thor arrives via a giant totally identified flying object (TIFO — let’s go ahead and decide to make this a real thing) in Alexandria, Virginia, and — head to toe in austere white robes — asks to meet with the president. Having been an established occurrence he’s ushered directly to first alien-friendly president Eisenhower. Val was an emissary from Venus sent to let us know that we were going to destroy our planet if we didn’t stop being assholes about the environment. Eisenhower reached into a time-fluid portal and pulled a well-worn copy of Silent Spring signed by Rachel Carson to prove that everybody would definitely get on board to protect all of humanity ongoing. And Valiant Thor was like, “Yeah, no, that ends up not working,” and decides to stick around the Pentagon in an effort to guide us through the penultimacy of the end times. A cursory knowledge of American history will find that his influence was less than effective. Supposedly Richard Nixon corroborates at the very least a charismatic lunatic being welcomed into the highest echelons of our government: “You have certainly caused a stir … for an out-of-towner. Of course, we are not totally convinced of anything just yet. But suffice it to say we are checking and double checking everything you say and do. When Sergeant Young from Alexandria radioed in and stated that you had just landed in a flying saucer, we thought Sergeant Young had flipped. Say, were you in on that UFO flap over Washington? You certainly had us all in a dither, if you were.” By 1960 Valiant Thor had vanished. Photos from the time appear to prove the existence of this Venusian intermediary. Many pictures feature an unidentified figure holding court, carrying the hearts and minds of men (not a lot of women in power back then — that’s probably not a hugely ongoing societal issue, yeah?), possibly bringing a cosmic warning from Venus — a planet where literally acids rain — about our own self-destructive propensities. You might not have been the most efficacious out-of-towner, Valiant Thor, but we appreciate that you tried. HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PARANORMAL? SEND THEM TO: WEREWOLFRADARPOD@GMAIL.COM OR TWITTER: @WEREWOLFRADAR IT’S A BIG, WEIRD WORLD. DON’T BE SCARED. BE PREPARED. No. 118 INVADER BRAIN LANGUAGE - BEST OF BIRDY ISSUE 052
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