isn’t straight and white. Yet, the other day I was looking through his CD collection and couldn’t believe the vast amounts of early new wave, proto- and post-punk, surf-rock, and generally badass records he owns. The Stooges’ first record, tons of Ventures stuff, the first three Ramones releases, the first two Television albums, The Cars, The Astronauts, Gang of Four, Talking Heads, New York Dolls — if you can think of something cool that came out between 1965 and 1985, he has it. I expected him to own every Jimmy Buffett CD ever released, maybe some Kiss, latter-day Rod Stewart and definitely Ted Nugent’s Greatest Hits. But no, his musical tastes are impeccable — especially for someone with his background. It all begs several questions: did he borrow someone else’s CDs and just not give them back? If so, does he even listen to these bands? If so, does he vehemently disagree with the subject matter? If so, then why would he listen to these bands? And should I steal all of the CDs, since someone as closed-minded as him doesn’t deserve such good music? To answer that last question, I would be seriously tempted if they were on vinyl, but I never listen to CDs, so I probably won’t. Still, assholes should stick to their lane and not listen to bands I like so the world can make sense again. I AM CURRENTLY TAKING SUGGESTIONS FOR MY IMPENDING MIDLIFE CRISIS Since I’m only a couple of years away from officially joining the ranks of the “middle aged,” I know for sure that I will be embarking upon a midlife crisis. But so far, I have been unable to determine what I should do exactly. (If you have suggestions, please send them to birdy@birdymagazine.com.) Here’s what I’ve come up with so far: 1. Getting a motorcycle, crashing it, enduring a monthslong recovery process where I have to learn to walk again, and then finding God and thanking him for my recovery (even though I should be asking Him why He let me buy a motorcycle in the first place). 2. Trying to date someone either 10 years older or 20 years younger — whichever comes first. 3. Purchasing my first tool kit with the goal of using one of the tools one time. (I’m not going to be one of those guys who buys his first toolkit at 45 and says, “From here on out, I’m going to be handy with tools!” Outright lying to myself will have no part in my midlife crisis, I’ve decided.) 4. Quitting my job, selling off my records, buying a crappy RV, becoming a permanent resident of Rancho Cucamonga, California after breaking down there, and then growing increasingly bitter at the young people who are all so much better looking than me. 5. Getting a new skateboard and repeating all the steps in No. 1 (except “getting a motorcycle” obviously). 6. Starting a jam band with the express purpose of bilking neo-hippies out of money and drugs. In fact our first record will be called, Give Us Your Money And Drugs. (If you have suggestions on what I should call my jam band, please send them to birdy@birdymagazine.com.) 7. Looking at myself in the mirror and wondering what the fuck happened to my youth and dreams. (This is most likely what I’ll settle on.) THE ONLY TIME I EVER SEE A BRIGHTER WORLD IS WHEN I CLEAN MY GLASSES And I only remember to clean my glasses a few times a month. AND THERE WAS THAT TIME I WAS DJING AND BOTH THE GIRLS I WAS DATING SHOWED UP AT THE SAME TIME, AND BOY WAS I UNPREPARED “Why don’t you come watch me DJ tonight?” I ask Iris. I figure it’s a safe invitation since my other girlfriend, Tanya, drove home to Wyoming for the holidays and won't be back until next week. “Sure,” she says. Then she holds my hands and kisses me passionately. Later, on my way to the club, I get a phone call. Tanya informs me that she got into a fight with her parents and she decided to drive back to Denver. She’ll be at the party too. I can't think of anything else to say but, “Oh cool. See you there.” At first, it's easy to avoid them both since Tanya sits at the bar and Iris dances up front. But then I play “Shout” and Tanya and her friends storm the dance floor as well. My lovers are less than six feet apart from each other. I spend the rest of the night playing records and then avoiding the two of them the best I can at the far end of the venue next to the bar, bathrooms and emergency exit. At 2 a.m. they're both waiting for me in the parking lot. However, while I was cowering at the bar, I met a third woman, and I am taking her up on the invitation to accompany her home for the evening. So now I’ve got 99 problems and three of them are women. 7 TYLER GROSS
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