THE HEADLESS HERO RETURNS By Zac Dunn Godzilla on the mountaintop We bend the knee Stop Drop Roll Lose control Eyes fleshed over Red rover Red rover Put the gingivitis in order Sort the porn As I explore And endure Trials and tribulations and sinister revelations We cannot reach the mountain Top today ... Muthafucker I can’t quit you Stand and deliver Trump is a bitch ASS DECEIVER Gave poison to infants Tore kids from loving hands I demand you step the fuck down NOW NOW NOW Your empire smells like feces We never believed in YOU'RE FIRED YOU FUCKING LIAR We reject your fake news And hate AND DEMAND YOU Give back the nation SO WE CAN MAKE IT GREAT I command you By the power of grey skull We want the world and we want it NOW NOW NOW You fucking coward You stand for everything I refuse to abide by We will never bend the knee to You or your GRAND OLD ARMY OF LIZARDS WE SEE YOU CUZ YOUR EYES ARE FILLED WITH DOLLARS AND THE ANTITHESIS OF GREAT Beneath the greatest love LIES A HURRICANE OF HATE facebook friend won’t shut the fuck up about non-voting plans by brian polk SOCIAL MEDIA — For reasons that were unknown a mere week ago, one of your social media “friends” Henry Donaldson — a man you have never met in actual life — is not voting in the upcoming election. But instead of keeping this personal decision to himself, the Facebook user is spending an awful lot of his free time attempting to seek validation for his abstention and convincing others not to vote as well. “I never met this Henry guy,” said Jeremy Fisher, another one of your mutual e-friends during a group chat. “But holy shit, he won’t shut the fuck up about not voting for Biden for some reason. He’s been writing these overwrought posts that are like six paragraphs long. It’s like, ‘Dude, no one here is going to stop you from not voting. Knock yourself the fuck out.’ But I guess he’s embarked upon some sacred mission to proclaim to the entire world that he is one important non-voting motherfucker! Look out world: Henry is definitely NOT going to vote in the upcoming election. It’s just so fucking impressive, isn’t it?” Before last week, Henry hadn’t exactly been active on Facebook — his last post seeking recommendations for good Ethiopian food in the area appeared in mid-February. But since his first post about the election last Wednesday, Donaldson has let flow a torrent of increasingly unhinged proclamations about the stupidity of voting. “I’m not sure what’s gotten into Hank,” said ex-girlfriend and reluctant e-friend of Donaldson, Wendy McCarthy. “We were both super excited to vote for Obama in 2012 and I know he voted for Clinton in 2016. But now he keeps saying that Biden and Trump are exactly the same candidate and if you vote for Biden you’re just as dumb and racist as Trump supporters. But that’s just being willfully obtuse. He’s like that, you know? But even if he did believe all that nonsense, what’s his end goal? To get everyone not to vote for Biden? Is that what he really wants? I know for a fact he knows how the Supreme Court works ... It must be the whole COVID isolation that has gotten to him or something. I bet he’s really lonely.” While Henry’s behavior has a lot of his virtual friends shaking their heads, longtime Republican donor and former college roommate, Vinny Jacobsen, isn’t surprised by Donaldson’s outbursts — citing a long history of the non-voter’s often provocative, outspoken beliefs. “Hank’s always been a bit of an asshole,” Jacobsen said. “He’s the kind of guy who’s always trying to tell you how weak you are for not using the hottest hot sauce or how dumb you are because you don’t listen to Democracy Now! or CNN or whatever. He must have finally got a smartphone or something — even though he used to call smartphone users sheep-like sycophants. But yeah, he’s been posting all that election crap. Of course, as a Trump supporter, I agree with most of the non-condescending stuff. I mean, I don’t think people should vote for Biden either, because he won’t go after Europe or Antifa or public schools the way Trump has.” Added Jacobsen: “Oh yeah, and the Supreme Court. Hell, even if I didn’t like Trump, I’d still vote for him for that reason alone. You’d be a damned fool not to.” No. 81
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